Merry Christmas and Bahhh Humbug

well here we are, Christmas day.  I sit here on my new laptop that my husband got me (for the sole purpose of blogging) thinking about how different today was supposed to be.  Right about now in a parralell universe I was supposed to be dressing my baby girl in her very first Christmas party dress.  Grandparents, aunts, and uncles should be calling to check on her in anticipation of spending her first christmas with her.  She would be smiling by now.  Giggling even.  We would have spent last night with her at Gigi's house (my mother in law) singing christmas songs as Nani sang her German version of silent night  for the very first time.  We would have left Gigi's house in order to be home for bed time, in hope of keeping Lydia on her schedule.  She would be in her first pair of traditional christmas pajama's. Before bed we would have watched a holiday cartoon and read her the night before christmas.  Kevin and I would be exhausted and we would wind down from the day with a glass of wine and a beer before exchanging our presents to eachother.  We probably would have been too tired to make it to our usual time of exchanging presents at midnight.  We would have settled for 10 before calling it a night and heading to bed.  This morning we would have been woking up by our crying baby girl asking for breakfast.  After feeding her she would get the few presents we got her.  It wouldnt have been a lot this year because she would still be little.  At that point I would have looked at my husband and my baby girl and known that I'm truly lucky.

But, life doesnt always work out like that.  I got most of the things I mentioned above but had one major part missing.  Lydia.  There was no giggling baby at Gigi's, Theres no set schedule, no Christmas Pj's or Christmas party dress.  What is left is superficial.  It's a laptop and a food processor for me and a TV and snow boots for Kevin.  When I look around today I see an urn that sits beside an angel.

I woke up in this mood today.  Kevin is in a good mood today and in attempt to keeping it that way I write this as he's in the shower.  I've decided to make the best of today for my husband that tries so very hard.  All he wants is a good day with his family so I'll sit there with a fake smile and repeat in my head BAHHHH HUMBUG

It's been a while

It's been a few weeks since my last post.  I haven't posted for a few reasons.  The first being I find it harder to post since I am not right in front of a computer for 9 hours a day.  When I was working I would always check my regular blogs in the morning and then update my blog on my lunch break.  Now, I'm not sitting right in front of the computer all day.   The next reason is my lap top has been broken and it has been driving me nuts! Finally Kevin let me use his lap top today so that I could come on and update.  And last I haven't had much to say and I just haven't been in the blogging mood.  I still do read blogs on my phone and comment as I can.  I hope none of my blogger friends feel that I have neglected them.  I know how hard this time of year is for all of us.  

Since my last blog I have stopped my regular desk job and I started watching my friends 6 year old daughter after school.  I have to admit that when I first agreed to watch her I figured it would be easy.  Well, boy was I wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I love her and she is so sweet.  But, 6 year old girls are anything but easy! I have to be playing or talking to her the ENTIRE time.  I am not complaining, just stating a fact.  In one 4 hour day I fight her to stay awake on her ride home from school, when she inevitably falls asleep I fight her to wake up, then 20 mins later we make our way into the house and we do her numbers, her letters, play barbies, do arts and crafts, play dolls, then she begs me to tickle her for about a half an hour, followed by our daily argument on why I will not let her have cupcakes for dinner, And on the rare days that I get her to eat anything other than peanut butter toast, I feel accomplished.  I had been joking with Kevin for months that after I left my company that I would be "retired" well, I am anything but retired! I do more work watching her than I did at my last company.  I find it pretty funny really and I am enjoying it.  But from time to time it makes me sad that I will never get any of these things with Lydia.  

Besides the transition from Real Estate coordinator to nanny there's the typical holiday anxiety that I know all of us are feeling right now.  Tonight its particularly bad because we FINALLY decorated our tree.  It's funny the things I seemed to have forgotten about this time last year.  Like the fact that about half of our ornaments are baby ornaments.  We announced to family around this time and it seems like EVERYONE gave us a baby ornament.  Tonight while decorated I found 2 with ultra sound pics, 1 with a 2013 bundle of joy, and 1 with a big belly on it. 

I did not expect all of them.  It hit pretty hard to keep pulling out ornament after ornament. And of course I had to put them on the tree because if we don't I will feel guilty, like I'm trying to forget her.  So there they are.  Hanging in my face as a reminder that this time last year I was still innocent.  Lydia was still alive, and our family was not broken.  Now, I just cant wait for that tree to come down.  Maybe our dog Annie will pull the same stunt she did last year and knock the tree down early.  Then I'll have to pack up the ornaments and out goes the tree. 

I know, that awful to think. 

Falling sky for me, Sky is the limit for them

Monday when my sky was falling I made myself stop to do some sole searching.  I wanted to think of all of the things I want to be as a mother and what I want to teach them. 

Here’s my list:

·         Loving-Every single day, even when they break a window, get into my make-up or paint the dog blue.  I want to show them none of those things matter.  That we will love them NO MATTER WHAT!

·         Funny-I want to make my kids laugh.  The big ol’ belly, can’t get enough laughs!

·         Honest- Show them that honesty and integrity matter, no matter how old you are.  (well except when it comes to things like Santa, I’ll still lie about that)

·         Smart-I can show them street smarts, Kevin; well he can show them all of the other kinds of smart. 

·         To be huggable-I want my kid(s) to be affectionate.  To love with all of their heart and be ok being loved like that back. I want to hug them and kiss them every day.  Even when they tell me they are too old.  TOO BAD!

·         To live life without regrets-I want my kids to not have regrets.  Make every decision good or bad because in that moment that’s what was best for you or that’s what you felt you HAD to do. 

·         To listen to others-I want them to know that it’s not just their world.  Other people and their opinions matter, just as their opinion matters

·         A healthy relationship-I want to show my kids what a healthy, loving, marriage looks like

·         Back bone-I want my kid to know that I cannot fix everything.  Although I will want to, I just can’t.  So they will need to get up and dust themselves off and try again. 

·         Not to give up easily-Fight the good fight. 

·         To be grateful-Things can always get worse.  Some people have it a lot worse than we do. 

·         Manners-Well, this is obvious.

·         To be a good friend-They say you are who your friends are.  I have been lucky in this department so I want my kid to surround themselves with good people.  People they love and trust.  Keep those people close and grow up with them.  I want to love these friends as if they were my own kids. 

·         To be respectful-You need to be respectful and earn respect.  I want my kids to know that you respect others and they respect you.  The golden rule so to say. 

·         To show cooperation not compliance- It’s important to work WITH others not to let others walk over you

·         Good health and hygiene-I want my kid to eat well, play outside, and get fresh air.  Then come in and know ok time for a tubby. 

·         Dream big- The sky is the limit

Well that’s most of it.  I’m sure there’s so much more than this but I haven’t thought of it yet.  It’s funny how big I can dream for my possible kid(s) but generally lately I’m very skeptical of what is in store for me. 

Self pitty Monday-Carried over to tuesday

Yesterday was a hard day and for no particular reason.  It was one of those days that I felt like I am cursed, that my body hates me, and Kevin and I will never have an alive baby.  The work day wasn’t bad.  It was my usual everyday stupid shit but after work I just fell apart.  I started to cry and get upset for no reason.  Then, to top it off, because I was in such a horrible, upset mood, Kevin and I got in a fight.  Again, about nothing.  One thing he said really stung.  He asked “when did you become a quitter” and the only thing I could say was “the moment my heart broke” And that’s the absolute truth.  The day Lydia died I stopped believing that in the end, everything will be ok and it work itself out.  Because In my life, that is not how things work.  In my life I get a dead mother, a dead baby, a broken heart , and a husband that has absolutely no idea what to do with me.  I keep telling myself that I will get better, that I will eventually be normal again, but the reality is I will never be better.  I will always have these days. I will always feel incomplete.  So many people tell me that this will all pass.  You know what? Not one single person that has been through the death of a child has ever told me that.  You know why? Because they know this will not pass.  I will never regain who I was.  This grief will never be over.  I will forever mourn the part of me that is missing. 

At the end of my sad day I think to myself, is it really fair to bring another baby into this? Into my cursed life. Why? So that either the baby can end up sick or I can end up dying or so that he/she can spend a life trying to console it’s mother’s broken heart.  I know ,que the smallest violin playing the saddest song just for me.  Enough with my self-pitty.  Only 4 more days of work.  I’ll chose to focus on being happy about that!

Things for which I am grateful

Things for which I am grateful

With Thanksgiving just around the corner I thought I would write out a list of things I am grateful for.  This past year has been a real test so I thought it important to remember the reasons why I keep fighting.  The reasons I know that although I will never forget, that I will make it through this. 

So here goes:

·         A supportive husband that never lets me down

·         A kickass big sister that shows me how to fight

·         Friends that have been there for me through the good and the bad

·         Our black lab Annie, even though she drives me crazy, is truly man’s best friend

·         Over-all good health (This week anyways)

·         Arts and crafts to keep my mind at ease

·         Wine for the really bad days

·         A roof over my head to keep the black clouds away

·         Food in my belly-sometimes too much

·         A chance to emotionally recover-And work out the food in my belly

·         That we got Lydia’s heartbeat recorded-So I can listen to it all of my life

·         Health insurance-Without it I wouldn’t have most of the above!

·         Cute boots-Because my inner self is kind of a diva

·         Coffee-Without it I wouldn’t be able to function

·         Inlaws that I love-A lot of poeple do not get that lucky

·         CJ my nephew-Who has made me want to be a mom

·         Kevin’s ability to understand me-Because sometimes I feel like no-1 else does

Well with that all said, I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.  I hope all of my Angel mommy friends find some peace this holiday.  Kevin and I decided not to do family stuff for Thanksgiving and go to the casino and have a fun date night instead.  I couldn’t do the family stuff.  With Christmas not too far away I would rather be more emotionally stable for that, than try when I’m not ready.  It might sound selfish to some people, even our family, but we still have a lot of healing to do and we just couldn't emotionally deal with a holiday yet. 

Hopefully my millions await J

Micro blog Monday

Well here we are again, another monday.  Only one more monday after today at work until I am a semi-housewife.  As the day approaches I can't figure out if I am extremely happy or sad?  I think happy.  But, just like everything else with me lately, it depends on the day. I am really excited about focusing on me.  Doing things I enjoy and being around people that appreciate me.  Mostly, I'm looking forward to getting back to the gym and doing some classes.  Maybe I'll meet some new people and start to have friends in my area.  All of my friends live closer to the city and it is not always convenient to hang out with them during the week.  After all, traffic and commuting are two of the reasons why I am leaving my job in the city. 

This weekend was a great one.  Kevin and I went on a double date with two of our good friends.  They don't get a babysitter often so its not always easy to plan double dates with them.  So we were really happy we got to this weekend.  Yesterday we layed around a bit then I got to paint the table I have been meaning to paint for my upcoming craft room.  I can't wait until the room is finally done.  Pictures to come!!

How I cope

Recently I've been connecting with a few other mother's that have experienced loss.  I have been how I cope with the loss of Lydia.  I feel as thought it took me a long time to get in this place. So, I thought I would write about how I've been coping here. 

The most helpful thing that I have used to cope is writing. I write this blog, I write about her on facebook, Sometimes I write in Lydia's baby book, but the most helpful is her email.  I haven't written this on here before now but, When I was pregnant Kevin and I set up an email account for Lydia.  We wrote to it often and we gave the email to family and friends. We sent pictures, wrote about our daily lives, and we told her all about our pregnancy with her. We had hoped that someday, we would give her the password and she could read about how we loved her even before she was born.  I wrote about details so when she got older, and asked health related questions, I would have answers. Which is actually really important to me because I wish I had some answers to things during my pregnancy. 

Now, obviously we can't give Lydia the password but, that doesn't stop us from writing to her.  We still write to her as much as we can. It's a little harder because we miss her so much and we will know she will never get to read them.  But we do.  We tell her stories and tell her we miss her.  We remind her that she is never forgotten.  Someday hopefully we will have other children and we will do the same for them.  Then, when they are old enough, I will give them the password to Lydia's account as well.  I want them to know about their sister, how much we loved her, and essentially that she was a big part of how Kevin and I raised them (as I'm sure this will be the case).  I want them to know the love we had for the sister they never got to meet.

But, until then, I write to her because it helps me. It helps to know that if something was to ever happen to Kevin or I, these emails are there, out in cyber space.  And someday down the line someone will read them and know all about the baby we never got to keep but loved just the same. 

Holiday spirit

Holidays have always been something that I associated with the memory of my mother. Growing up my mother and I shared the love of  Christmas and the entire season. Singing carols in the car and talking about if I thought I had been good and deserved all of the presents on my list. Watching QVC boxes flow in as she would try to convince me that it was the elves sending presents to us but they ran out of boxes.

I remember our season would start on the day after Thanksgiving when my mother would dig out all of the decorations from the basement. Or on the years she was sick she would send her boyfriend or one of my sisters to do it. When everything was brought upstairs my mother and I would put together our fake tree. I remember sorting the colored stems, making sure all of the branches were put in the right spot. At the very end of our decorating my mother would pull out the ceramic Santa, the one she had made before I was even born and we would search for the perfect spot to put him. He usually ended up in the same spot every year. On the top of the entertainment center. So that he was in clear view.

On Christmas eve I was allowed to open one present. A present that she picked out. And without fail, every year, I opened Pajama's. I'm not sure what it is with moms but every mom I know does this. They get their kids new Christmas PJ's. Just so that Christmas morning their kids look cute and happy in their new Christmas pajama's.

I never understood this until this year.

I want that. I want to be THAT mom. The mom that makes you take a 100 pictures with every single present on Christmas morning. The one that makes cookies on Christmas eve and puts out carrots for the reindeer. The mom that never forgets batteries and works all season long to make sure her kids have a magical day.

I want that.

Maybe it's the absence of Lydia but this year feels different. I feel less inclined to do my usual holiday stuff. Black Friday shop, make lists of things I want to make, decorate the house. All of it. Normally by now I am almost done with shopping. I have started to buy new ornaments and have already given Kevin a list full of fun things I want him to buy. I have always loved Christmas. But this year strangely, I'm already over it.

On Christmas Eve last year Kevin and I announced my pregnancy to all of our friends and family. At midnight we sat under our tree, him with a beer and me with a wine glass full of ginger ale and we exchanged our presents. We talked about how much fun this year would be. This year would be our very best year because Lydia would a part of it. But sadly she's not. This year Christmas is just another reminder of that. It's a reminder that no matter how many happy lists I make and no matter how much I try to fool myself, this year will not be a happy, Merry Christmas, kind of year. It will be a hurry up and just be over already kind of day.

And because of that I'm sad.

Microblog monday-Remembering

I've been talking about getting another tattoo for months now.  I wanted something to have with me to remember Lydia.  So this weekend I finally did it! We randomly drove by the place that I have gotten all of my other tattoo's.  I made Kevin stop so that I could go in and get pricing.  Kevin, being against tattoo's, and afraid of needles wouldnt go in with me So I went in alone.  As it turns out they had an opening right then! So, I finally got my tattoo.  I love it so much and it feels good to know that I can  carry her memory with me forever.  Here is my newest tattoo. 


It may still look a little swollen in the pic but its a baby angel with  pink wings.  It sits on my right wrist.  I couldn't get the picture to flip but you get the point. 

Bucket List

Today I was thinking about things I want to do.  A bucket list so to say.  So here are 20 things I plan to do with my life and why.

1. See Austrailia-I once saw a picture of the blue mountains and it looked beautiful.  I would love to go and wonder around and explore and ride the tran above the blue mountains. 
2. Jump out of an air plane-I wouldnt bungy jump but I would love to sky dive.  I think there would be no other thrill like it. 
3. Learn to surf-ever since I was a kid I watched the movie Point blank and I thought how awesome it looked to be above the waves.
4. Go to a shooting range-I want to be a bad ass chick.  Simple
5. Learn to play guitar-I've always been interested in music.  More specifically rock music.  What better way to do something you love than learn how to play music myself. 
6. Buy a "summer" home-I want to create traditions for my family.  I want my kids to grow up with memories of what a home is like.  Not a house.  I want them to remember playing board games and going to the beach before returning to a house that we spend all of our summers in. 
7. Write a book-I've always told Kevin that someday I'm going to write a trilogy and name it "shit my boyfriend does" followed by "shit my husband says" and "shit my kids do"
8. Work in a soup kitchen on Christmas day- This I've tried to do many times.  It's actually not as easy as it seems
9. Crash a wedding and be "uncle Ned's kid"-I think it would be funny
10. Run a marathon-work out hard and then be so in shape that I can finish a marathon
11. Rent sumo wrestling suits and SUMO WRESTLE-It's fun
12. Learn how to take beautiful photos-I've always had an interest in art and photogrophy.  When I was in highschool I did a lot of photoshopping classes.  I'd like to get into it again.
13. Learn how to ski and do it well- I once fell off a ski lift and have never tried to ski again.  So now, years later I feel defeated.
14. Go to Graceland!!-I love Elvis, Marilyn, James Dean all of that stuff.  What better way to embrace that love than visit Graceland
15. Adopt a puppy and train it-I've had a few dogs in my life but have never adopted them from a puppy and trained it and have had it it's entire life
16. Meet Drew Barrymore-Sounds weird, I know.  But her life facinates me.  She has over come a lot and has managed to beat it all.  I think she represents a strong women. 
17. Do something I love and make money doing it-Pretty easy to understand why
18. Try to be vegetarian for a month-I want to have enough self control that I can change my diet so drastically and be completely ok with it. 
19. Dance on a bar-I want to have enough self confidence that I could get up and dance and not care what anyone else thinks
20. Have a family-One baby, two babies, Three babies?? I'll settle for one baby.

Well there's my bucket list.  Anyone else have one?

3, 3, 3, and 3

I found this today and it inspired me to write down 3 nice things people have said, 3 nice things I have done for others, 3 nice things I have done for myself, and 3 good memories....So here they are.

3 Nice things people have said to me:

1. In the very last note Kevin wrote to me before losing Lydia he wrote: To my wife, the mother of my child, and my best friend, I love you more and more each year and there's no one else in the world I'd rather build a life with.
2. Everytime my sister tells me she is proud of how I turned out and reminds me my mother would be proud too
3. The text I got from my mother in law the night before my wedding.  Telling me she was so happy Kevin found me and she couldn't have picked better to join her family

3 Nice things I have done for others:

1. I gave money to the guy at the train even though I knew the likelyhood of him using it for something other than food because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt
2. I once made Kevin a book for 100 reasons why I love him
3. When my best friend got a promotion I hid cards in his car to congratulate him on his promotion, then I texted clues where to find them.

3 Nice things I have done for myself:

1. I had the gastric bypass even though I was so scared to do it and everyone told me not to.  It was the best thing I've ever done for myself
2. Starting this blog has helped me not be bottled up about my feelings and the loss of Lydia.  I did this only for myself.  It is not private and I let anyone and everyone read it in hope that they understand me a little better and I am made to leave my comfort zone a little more.
3. I challenge myself.  I dont take the easy way out and I have made that a part of how I live my life.  I try not to settle. 

3 Good Memories:

1. Going to the beach when I was about 10 with my sister Kelly and walking around the entire beach and picking up star fish.  We must of collected them for hours
2. The Jaws ride at Disney land with my mom.  Her glasses got fogged up and she used her fingers like wiping blades to wipe them.  It made me laugh.
3. When Kevin proposed.  It was a surprise.  He knew that I didnt want him to propose in public.  He said he was going to work and stayed home while I was at work and carved 14 pumpkins with WILL YOU MARRY ME then lit them up in the back yard.  When he picked me up from work he told me to go get annies leash out of the yard.  When I opened the door there they all were.  Bright and beautiful.  He was behind me on one knee holding up the ring. 

With that said I will now remind myself that I AM WONDERFUL

only 19 more days

A few weeks ago I gave my notice and decided my last day is December 5^th.  It was weird to give my notice. Although I think my boss appreciates my work, and I have done a good job, he didn’t even seem to flinch when I gave my notice.  It was like no big deal at all. Not that I would have wanted or expected him to beg me to stay but, show some kind of reaction.  Say something like “Oh, I’m sorry to see you go” After all, I have been employed with him for  7 years.  That is most of my adult career at one job, with him as my boss.   Giving my notice went a little like breaking up with a boy that you thought was way more into you than you him and saying “it’s not you it’s me” and having him say “your right it is you” This was not at all how expected things to go.

Now more than ever I don’t want to be there.  I can barely get myself there in the morning.  But I go and I remind myself that only 19 more days and I won’t have to.  In 19 more days I will be home.  A semi -house wife.  I will be working part time taking care of my friend’s daughter , which I’m sure will have it’s own up’s and downs but, I will be able to enjoy life again.  Do something I like. I will not be in the office environment anymore.  I can start fresh and rejuvenate.  I realize this is odd for a 31 year old woman with no kids.  And I am very thankful that Kevin and I can make this adjustment. I truly believe this will be best for both of us. Not in a selfish way either.  Right now we only have one car and Kevin has to drive me an hour, sometimes an hour and a half, only to then have to drive himself another 45 minutes.  Both Ways! That’s 3 hours traveling!!! In 19 days no more awful city traffic, to get to a job I no longer enjoy, to sit in worse traffic going home, then to eat dinner at 8pm and go to sleep, only to start it all over again. 

The word has gotten out around the office that I am leaving.  And I have had a bunch of questions on where I will be going.  I have been saying “oh I’ll be taking care of my friend’s daughter”It seems like people kind of look at me funny.  To be fair, a lot of people don’t know the story of Lydia.  And at 6 months pregnant I still wasn’t really showing so most people didn’t’ even know about her at all.  So they truly do not understand my reasoning for leaving.  But I just want to say to people that ask, “do I seem ok to you?” “do you think I seem like myself?” 

Even my boss asked today how the job hunt is going.  I replied with “what job hunt” nobody  besides me see’s or understands that I should have NEVER come back.  I was not ready, I am not ready, I need to take care of myself.  Life it too short to not take care of yourself both physically and mentally.  I can’t keep on pretending to care about pointless stuff and I don’t want to anymore.  You should work to live not live to work. 

Microblog Mondays

This weekend was a great weekend for me.  First, I was proud of myself.  I drove for the very first time to the airport.  This may seem like something dumb to be proud of but for me its a big friggin deal!!! I have only had my licence for about 2 years.  Yes (I was way older then I should have been getting my license) But, for a long time I was always nervous about it.  I hate to drive.  I avoid it.  I drive pretty much only if absolutely necessary.  I would rather walk 10 miles, in the rain, up hill, than drive! So driving to the airport was a huge accomplishment.  In fact, Kevin should take this as a compliment because he is the reason I drove there.  I wanted him home, and if driving to the airport was how I was going to accomplish that, than so be it, it had to happen.   He's home and not I can sleep at night. 

Second, I got to see 2 of my favorite people in the entire world.  My 2 longest friends.  We don't see each other nearly as often as we should but after seeing them for 5 seconds it's like we never missed a beat.  They get me.  Out of all of my friends they are in the same life situation as I am, but in completely different ways.  I won't air out their laundry here but it makes me feel better to know that between the 2 of them I have someone that understands pretty much all of my life situations.  It helps that I know that both are completely honest and do not handle me with care.  They handle me as they should.  A friend that sometimes needs to hear she is wrong, being a pain in the ass, or just needs help.  I like that about them. 

And last but not least I got a date night out with Kevin.  We went out for a few drinks and hung out talking about the week that we missed together.  So today, I feel just a little more normal than I did all last week. 

do something

This little starfish story made me think that I should help someone in need.  Give back, pay it forward. So, today I did some research on finding a family to adopt for the holidays.  Get some presents for them, make a basket of food for them to cook for Christmas dinner, do something, anything.... I have a feeling it will help me more than it will help them in the long run.  It's a good thing to feel like you helped someone and made a difference.  Especially a kid that may not have had anything for Christmas or a mom that is struggling to pay bills and put food on the table nevermind buying toys. 

I realized today that although I did not come from a rich family, a pretty poor family actually, but I do not know what it is like to go without on a holiday or any time really.  My mother always made sure Christmas was an amazing day for me.  I had every single toy that was on my list.  Then when my mother died, my sister did the same thing.  She would work doubles as a bartender to make sure I had the designer coats I wanted, or the best sneakers, or concert tickets for the bands that I HAD to see.  I never went without anything.  I should pay that forward.  I should do something for some kid that doesn't have a Kelly to work doubles for them.  I should do something for the kid or family that Christmas is just another reason to be sad and feel left out. 

Weird week

It's been a weird week so far.  Kevin is away for work so I am home taking care of things myself.  Which is making me feel for the lack of a better word, weird. 

I haven't been away from Kevin for longer than a day since the loss of Lydia. Even when I was in the hospital for 3 weeks he slept right there with me.  It's strange because I am actually normally very independant and have never minded when he went away for work or with his friends but I find myself with really bad anxiety this week. I can't help the "what if" feeling.  Playing every bad scenario in my head.    Realistically I know nothing is going to happen and everything would be ok but I was and am just really anxious about it.  It probably has something to do with the last time Kevin went away for work was when the marathon bombs happened and now I just associate bad things to when he leaves.  I also cant stop thinking about what if something happens to him, to me, to annie (our dog) and we are just all so far away from eachother. How will we get to eachother?  It's only tuesday and already I absolutely hate this feeling.  I cant wait until he gets home. 

Yesterday to make matters worse I was on my way to my doctors appointment only to start up the car, back down the drive way, and hear put put......Car stalled.  Blocked my entire street.  We have a brand new car.  There is no reason for this to have happened. Apparently it's an electrical issue that needs to be looked at.  It's working right now but, I'm afraid to drive it far so I took the train in to work today. Let's see how the rest of my week goes...........


On a good note, I ordered a new phone case today which I'm pretty excited about.  Vistaprint had a groupon for $20 you get 70$ worth of stuff.  So I got our Christmas card and made this phone case.....

All of the good things

I use my blog as an outlet to vent and get out some of the grief I feel about the loss of Lydia.  I do this so that in my every day life I am not this walking miserable mess. I want to be viewed to family and friends as someone that is strong and able to get past the bad shit that happens.  I do not want to be viewed as a piece of glass about to break.  So, I blog.  Blogging helps me.  Blogging serves as an outlett to help me heal my heart. 

I imagine some people that read my blog may think that I believe everything in my life is just bad. I truly don't. I know that in some aspects I am very lucky. I have a great husband, friends and family, we have a nice house, a dog that I love, we have money in the bank, we go on nice vacations and we have an overall good life.  However, Lydia is missing from all of them and some days thats the only thing I think about. 

Here are some pictures of my favorite things and places

 Where Lydia Lives

 Nephew kisses

 Annie Doggie

 Bermuda Cruise

 Forever friends

 Europe

 Wedding cake and a nice tan

 Rolling down the hill at castle island

 Sporting events

 Jamaica

 Pretty flowers

 Halloween

 Our special day

 Getting engaged

Fetal Demise

After several months of waiting finally  the malpractice lawyer got back to us today and suddenly I feel like I have been kicked in the gut AGAIN!

I wish I never answered my phone. 

 

After reading my records she is certain that the doctors are leaving out facts but she determined that the care that I received can't be proven to have been the reason for the "fetal demise". It would be too much of an "UP HILL BATTLE."

So many things piss me off about this conversation. The fact that the phrase "Fetal demise" was used when talking to me, was enough to make me want to scream. Then to be told that my daughter’s death was "to much of an uphill battle" was like saying "not worth trying" So to her Lydia's life is not worth the time.

Apparently in malpractice lawsuits you need to prove two things:

• The care you received was negligent
• That negligent care caused a harmful outcome that wouldnt have happened otherwise    

Well you would think that "Fetal Demise" was the cause of negligent care. Apparently because Lydia's death was due to being premature and not due to injuries sustained during my surgery it wasn't enough to prove negligent care.

She then went on to tell me that in overweight women it is very difficult to diagnose an appendix rupture during pregnancy. For the record, I am over weight but I am not like 400lbs. To me this is ridiculous and should never matter. What should matter is the fact that I should have been tested the first day I went to the hospital. I should have had a fetal heart monitor the entire time I was in the hospital. And I should have been on a different floor, One that could physically deliver a baby and Tufts shouldn't have had a toddler nurse taking care of a high risk patient.

Instead, I was stuck in the waiting room for hours, sent home with Ambien and told I had the flu! Then when I came back a second time, had emergency surgery, they still didn’t take things seriously and didn’t have anything on me to determine when I was going into labor. Topped with a nurse that looked like she was barely out of high school. Do people not see that Lydia's death was not only "fetal demise" but was the demise of me, Kevin and any hope of a normal happy life? Does that not matter?

When she talked about my weight being a factor, what I heard was "If you were skinnier this may have been able to be proven or even prevented" I know that's not what she said but it doesn't make that fact any easier to take in. I suddenly felt like she was telling me Lydia's death was my fault.

None of these things make sense to me and it is becoming more and more clear that we will just have to live with having no answers. I will have to find peace in Lydia's memory and know that we tried to find justice for her. We could get a second opinion but honestly I truly do not see it going any other way. Other lawyers may feel differently about our case but to keep dragging up all of these feelings over and over again is not going to help us. It's time for us to focus on healing. We only wanted an apology and for them to aknowledge that they did something wrong. 

 

 Lydia's gone, we can't bring her back, and dragging this up every few months doesn't help us cope. In fact, it just makes me worse.

7 months 1 Week and 6 days

7 MONTHS 1 WEEK 6 DAYS.....

Since we lost Lydia.

Every day I look at her picture, her earn, and her heart beat lamb. It's sad that the stuffed lamb has her heart beat but she doesn't. It's weird that a little stuffed animal can make you feel complete grief and complete happiness all at the same time.  I both love and hate that lamb. But I am weirdly thankful for that lamb. That lamb keeps Lydia's heart alive even though I couldn't.

I am a ball of weird mixed emotions about everything lately.  I go back and forth in how I feel even more than normal. One minute I'm ok and the next I am crying.  That's weird for me because I have never been an overly emotional person.  I think it's because I feel her absence in everything. I replay over and over how we got here. How we lost her but still come up empty. We have no answers and we don't deserve this. I am constantly reminded that we lost  her. 

7 Months 1 week 6 days since my heart shattered. March 15th is imbedded into my head so clearly that I think it makes me forget so many other things. I see her face, her tiny body, her in the toilet. I see it all. I think I actually see it more clearly now than I did that day. That day was clouded by pain meds but now it's so clear it's like it was just yesterday. I wish it wasn't. I wish the bad memories would fade and I could only be left with  only the good ones. It's funny how the mind doesn't work like that. The details still float around, the bad dreams still come and then I wake up and do it all over again. I've become kind of robot like. Just going through the motions. Waiting to snap out of this.

7 Months 1 week 6 days is officially longer without her than I carried her. When I was pregnant all I could think about was the moment when she would arrive and the pregnancy would be over. Now, I'd be pregnant for however long if she would be an alive baby. But I know that won't happen. So, I return to robot Jen. Stuck in limbo, waiting for our alive baby.

Crafts, Crafts and more Crafts.....

I've been crafting a lot.  Even more than I have been crafting I have been "Pinning" My pinterest has now become a "to do" list of glitter, modge-podge, and sewing.  I love this stuff.  It relaxes me. From a young age I remember my mother would hand me a coloring book and I would be content for hours.  I would lay on the living room floor with my crayons sprawled out everywhere, just doodling or coloring.  Every Christmas I would get an abundance of art supplies.  I used to think my mom was the coolest and just bought the best stuff.  Now, I realize it was probably more like "OHHHHH she's quiet when she colors"

This week I decided that I would make a pumpkin vase. 

Here it is:

Love and Marriage

Today rather than think about Lydia and be sad that we didn't get to keep her, I thought about kevin and...Our Marriage. 

Since the loss of Lydia Kevin and I have changed as people, as a couple.  I have said before that the loss of Lydia has brought us together and given us a new appreciation for eachother.  In the interest of keeping things that way I have done some reading on marriages.  On how to keep things alive and not so sad and ordinary all the time. With the overwhelming amount of divorces today I really want to know how the couples that have been together for 50+ years do it. 

One of the articles I read The day I realized I was no longer the women my husband married by: Traci Bild she talks about the person she was while dating her husband.  How she was fun, funny, charming and he loved that about her. She said that after being married she turned into someone that had a mile long to do list and couldn't get around to make time for him or THEM.  Reading this article made me realize 2 things. 

1. Kevin and I dont actually fall into this category
2. I want to prevent this from happening NOW not when it's already happening

In her article she talks about how to keep things going and keep you both happy.  Here are some of the things I found and how I intend to imput them into my own marriage.  Maybe some of you reading this would like to know some of this too. It seems common to lose touch with your partner after a loss like ours.  Something completely earth shattering, that you leave it a completely different person.  So maybe this will help us not focus just on our fertility and loss but help focus on our lives and marriages as a whole.
 

 

1. Offer compliments! Make an effort to compliment your partner every day. The goal is to focus on your own behaviors and see where they take you. Compliments such as "Thanks for trimming the trees today, they look great," or "You look gorgeous!" will change the tone of your relationship. So I plan to thank Kevin for all of the things he does for me.  For example: Every time we go grocery shopping he carries in all of the groceries.  He always says "I'll get them go inside" Or when its raining out, he ALWAYS gets the car so I don't have to walk in the rain.  I never have to ask.  He just does it.  I notice now that this is rare.  And so awesome to have! I plan on telling him more rather than expecting it. 

Spend time alone.Consider making date night a weekly norm.-Kevin and I actually do really great at this.  We do not have any kids so it may be easier for us than some but, we usually go out atleast once a week and do something we both like.  Usually trivia or something at a local bar.  (When I'm pregnant this will have to change)

Make it fun! Make a vow: No dinner and a movie dates! When dating, odds are you and your husband did things that were fun. Try new and interesting things like playing racquetball or going bowling, take a cooking class together or hitting a theme park and riding roller coasters! Does this take work? Yes, but it's worth the effort.- Kevin and I used to take a dance class that surprisingly we both really enjoyed (he did protest at first, but he liked that he was better than I am at it) So I'm going to sign us up for classes again.  It helped us work together as a team and it really helped us learn how to communicate.

 

Create new habits. While it's easy to try these ideas once or twice, the truth is you have to put in real effort and be consistent if you want to see results. Our society is all about immediate gratification, but in this case, you have to work for it. The question to ask is, "Is my relationship worth it?" Compliment your man daily, give him a solid 20 minutes of you time every day, plan weekly date nights and have some good old-fashioned fun. ABSOLUTELY  Kevin is worth this.  Not only is Kevin worth this, I am worth this, Our marriage is worth this. 

 

Don't get me wrong this post or my reading about this subject is nowhere close to an indication that anything is wrong with my marriage on my end or Kevin's but, the fact is I don't ever want their to be anything wrong with our marriage.  After the loss of Lydia I have realized that life is to short  not to make the best out of all the good things you have.   I have a kick ass husband and a great marriage, I want to keep it that way. 

 

Here's a pic of my hero, my rock, my geek, my hubby and my baby daddy..I'm a lucky girl...Ps. He doesn't read my blog but if he did he would totally make me take this down :)

#MicroblogMondays

This weekend we thought it would be fun to do something scary.  Something that would keep our minds off of things.  So, seeing as though Kevin loves Halloween and zombies we went to the Abington Zombie Appoclypse.  If you do not know what that is, it's a essentially an infested (with Zombies) warehouse that has a little obsticle course that you run through with an air gun.  So I realized a few things this weekend while at the zombie appoclypse. 

1.  If this was the walking dead, and I was a character, I would have died in season 1.  More specifically the first episode. 
2.  Kevin wouldn't save me.  He would leave me behind to be eaten.
3.  I probably would have shot one of our friends or family members...Completely on accident. 

Strength of a women

 

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape…
But a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything…
But a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her…
But a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future…
But a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes
and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman walks sure footedly…
But a woman of strength knows she will catch herself when she falls.

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face…
But a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey…
But a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey
that she will become strong.

 

 

I walk a thin line....

This week has been bad.  It's been filled with a lot of grey clouds and zero rainbows.  I find myself walking a thin line before a breakdown.  I cant really explain it.  But, I cant help but feel it in every single thing that I do.  This lingering about to burst kind of feeling.  Never numbing and never going away.  I see to many pictures and read to many sad stories.  I should really just get off of social media but then I think that that's me giving in and giving up on doing my regular things.  So many people post about how much their lives suck and how awful things are for them but I cant help but feel numb, like they have no clue how bad things can really be.  I have no doubt that there are people out there with way worse problems than I have, but I cant help but not really care about people with stupid little issues.

This week started off bad because I gave notice at my job.  I know I have talked about it here before but I feel like it was a really big step and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.  Part of me wants to jump up and down and rejoice, while the other part is slapping myself in the head saying "what now". Leaving a job that you have been in for 7 years is bitter sweet.  I don't hate my job.  I actually used to enjoy it.  But, I used to enjoy a lot of things that I no longer enjoy.  I'm leaving because I cant keep up with the charade of pretending to be the same person anymore.  I cant commit to giving my all to my position anymore.  It's not fair to my boss that has been really good to me, or to my team mates.  I cant give them 100% right now, truth is, I cant even give them 75%.  I guess I do not know what the future holds for me on the job front.  Only time will tell. 

There's a list of reasons why this week has been hard.  The second being that I got in a giant fight with one of my sisters.  Not even the sister I care about fighting with.  Actually, the one that drives me absolutely nuts.  But, she said something that hit me pretty hard.  She said "Yeah mom would be really proud of who you've become NOT" (in case you were wondering no my sister is not 10.  Just acts it) It was a low blow and only because shes more than a little crazy and the voices in her head probably told her to do it, but it made me think...Maybe shes right? maybe that is why things seem to be hitting me one thing after another.  Maybe I really am being punished for something I didn't even know that I did.  I really hope she's wrong.  I don't want to be cursed with bad luck forever. 

I think I'm a good person.  I think I am good to people and would be a great mother.  I have good intensions at least.  Anyways, I guess I have lots of things to think about.  I hope next week is filled with sunshine and roses because this week was filled with rain and trash.