Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Self pitty Monday-Carried over to tuesday
Yesterday was a hard day and for no particular reason. It was one of those days that I felt like I am cursed, that my body hates me, and Kevin and I will never have an alive baby. The work day wasn’t bad. It was my usual everyday stupid shit but after work I just fell apart. I started to cry and get upset for no reason. Then, to top it off, because I was in such a horrible, upset mood, Kevin and I got in a fight. Again, about nothing. One thing he said really stung. He asked “when did you become a quitter” and the only thing I could say was “the moment my heart broke” And that’s the absolute truth. The day Lydia died I stopped believing that in the end, everything will be ok and it work itself out. Because In my life, that is not how things work. In my life I get a dead mother, a dead baby, a broken heart , and a husband that has absolutely no idea what to do with me. I keep telling myself that I will get better, that I will eventually be normal again, but the reality is I will never be better. I will always have these days. I will always feel incomplete. So many people tell me that this will all pass. You know what? Not one single person that has been through the death of a child has ever told me that. You know why? Because they know this will not pass. I will never regain who I was. This grief will never be over. I will forever mourn the part of me that is missing.
At the end of my sad day I think to myself, is it really fair to bring another baby into this? Into my cursed life. Why? So that either the baby can end up sick or I can end up dying or so that he/she can spend a life trying to console it’s mother’s broken heart. I know ,que the smallest violin playing the saddest song just for me. Enough with my self-pitty. Only 4 more days of work. I’ll chose to focus on being happy about that!