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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Self pitty Monday-Carried over to tuesday


Yesterday was a hard day and for no particular reason.  It was one of those days that I felt like I am cursed, that my body hates me, and Kevin and I will never have an alive baby.  The work day wasn’t bad.  It was my usual everyday stupid shit but after work I just fell apart.  I started to cry and get upset for no reason.  Then, to top it off, because I was in such a horrible, upset mood, Kevin and I got in a fight.  Again, about nothing.  One thing he said really stung.  He asked “when did you become a quitter” and the only thing I could say was “the moment my heart broke” And that’s the absolute truth.  The day Lydia died I stopped believing that in the end, everything will be ok and it work itself out.  Because In my life, that is not how things work.  In my life I get a dead mother, a dead baby, a broken heart , and a husband that has absolutely no idea what to do with me.  I keep telling myself that I will get better, that I will eventually be normal again, but the reality is I will never be better.  I will always have these days. I will always feel incomplete.  So many people tell me that this will all pass.  You know what? Not one single person that has been through the death of a child has ever told me that.  You know why? Because they know this will not pass.  I will never regain who I was.  This grief will never be over.  I will forever mourn the part of me that is missing. 

At the end of my sad day I think to myself, is it really fair to bring another baby into this? Into my cursed life. Why? So that either the baby can end up sick or I can end up dying or so that he/she can spend a life trying to console it’s mother’s broken heart.  I know ,que the smallest violin playing the saddest song just for me.  Enough with my self-pitty.  Only 4 more days of work.  I’ll chose to focus on being happy about that!

4 comments:

  1. I have had all of these same thoughts too. Even the thoughts about dying myself. And my husband has throwing the quitter comment at me too. But I remind him, that I was the one that had to have two procedures - I was the one that physically went through the pregnancy and went through the hormonal changes. So while I know he is sad and wishes that things ended up differently, he doesn't really feel the same way I do - and how could he? They just want to fix us, and sometimes they think that having another baby will be a magic fix. But it really isn't. You will always miss Liddy and that's okay.
    I am so excited for you that you only have this last week at work. Soon enough you will have all the time you need to work on yourself, physically and mentally.

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    1. Thank you so much for this! I was so hurt when he threw the quitter comment at me. As a women that holds herself at very high standards and has worked hard for everything, to call me a quitter just shakes me to the core. I am not a quitter, I'm wounded. I too reminded him that he didnt feel her, he loved her yes, but its my body. It's my body that the poison ran through, it my body that released the poison that killed her. We know theres nothing wrong with him. We do not know there's nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like he understands me so well and others I just want to shake him and say stop humoring me! You dont get it!!

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  2. I am two years removed from the death of Nathan so I want to tell you that it does get better. I know it's such a cliche thing to say but, I think it's important I tell you this.

    Your darling Lydia's death is still so fresh and I want you to know that you're doing great. It may not feel like it right now but, take it from someone who has been there.

    Your'e here writing and I hope it's cathartic. Take it easy on yourself and feel whatever you have to feel this Christmas. Please do what's best for you.

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    1. Thank you for saying this. On days like that, its hard for me to remember that things will eventually get a little easier. I feel like everytime it starts something knocks me back down to the ground. Then I spend the next few months picking myself back up again, only for it to happen again.

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