About Me

My photo

I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Things for which I am grateful

Things for which I am grateful

With Thanksgiving just around the corner I thought I would write out a list of things I am grateful for.  This past year has been a real test so I thought it important to remember the reasons why I keep fighting.  The reasons I know that although I will never forget, that I will make it through this. 

So here goes:

·         A supportive husband that never lets me down
·         A kickass big sister that shows me how to fight
·         Friends that have been there for me through the good and the bad
·         Our black lab Annie, even though she drives me crazy, is truly man’s best friend
·         Over-all good health (This week anyways)
·         Arts and crafts to keep my mind at ease
·         Wine for the really bad days
·         A roof over my head to keep the black clouds away
·         Food in my belly-sometimes too much
·         A chance to emotionally recover-And work out the food in my belly
·         That we got Lydia’s heartbeat recorded-So I can listen to it all of my life
·         Health insurance-Without it I wouldn’t have most of the above!
·         Cute boots-Because my inner self is kind of a diva
·         Coffee-Without it I wouldn’t be able to function
·         Inlaws that I love-A lot of poeple do not get that lucky
·         CJ my nephew-Who has made me want to be a mom
·         Kevin’s ability to understand me-Because sometimes I feel like no-1 else does

Well with that all said, I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.  I hope all of my Angel mommy friends find some peace this holiday.  Kevin and I decided not to do family stuff for Thanksgiving and go to the casino and have a fun date night instead.  I couldn’t do the family stuff.  With Christmas not too far away I would rather be more emotionally stable for that, than try when I’m not ready.  It might sound selfish to some people, even our family, but we still have a lot of healing to do and we just couldn't emotionally deal with a holiday yet. 

Hopefully my millions await J

Monday, November 24, 2014

Micro blog Monday

Well here we are again, another monday.  Only one more monday after today at work until I am a semi-housewife.  As the day approaches I can't figure out if I am extremely happy or sad?  I think happy.  But, just like everything else with me lately, it depends on the day. I am really excited about focusing on me.  Doing things I enjoy and being around people that appreciate me.  Mostly, I'm looking forward to getting back to the gym and doing some classes.  Maybe I'll meet some new people and start to have friends in my area.  All of my friends live closer to the city and it is not always convenient to hang out with them during the week.  After all, traffic and commuting are two of the reasons why I am leaving my job in the city. 

This weekend was a great one.  Kevin and I went on a double date with two of our good friends.  They don't get a babysitter often so its not always easy to plan double dates with them.  So we were really happy we got to this weekend.  Yesterday we layed around a bit then I got to paint the table I have been meaning to paint for my upcoming craft room.  I can't wait until the room is finally done.  Pictures to come!!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

How I cope

Recently I've been connecting with a few other mother's that have experienced loss.  I have been how I cope with the loss of Lydia.  I feel as thought it took me a long time to get in this place. So, I thought I would write about how I've been coping here. 

The most helpful thing that I have used to cope is writing. I write this blog, I write about her on facebook, Sometimes I write in Lydia's baby book, but the most helpful is her email.  I haven't written this on here before now but, When I was pregnant Kevin and I set up an email account for Lydia.  We wrote to it often and we gave the email to family and friends. We sent pictures, wrote about our daily lives, and we told her all about our pregnancy with her. We had hoped that someday, we would give her the password and she could read about how we loved her even before she was born.  I wrote about details so when she got older, and asked health related questions, I would have answers. Which is actually really important to me because I wish I had some answers to things during my pregnancy. 

Now, obviously we can't give Lydia the password but, that doesn't stop us from writing to her.  We still write to her as much as we can. It's a little harder because we miss her so much and we will know she will never get to read them.  But we do.  We tell her stories and tell her we miss her.  We remind her that she is never forgotten.  Someday hopefully we will have other children and we will do the same for them.  Then, when they are old enough, I will give them the password to Lydia's account as well.  I want them to know about their sister, how much we loved her, and essentially that she was a big part of how Kevin and I raised them (as I'm sure this will be the case).  I want them to know the love we had for the sister they never got to meet.

But, until then, I write to her because it helps me. It helps to know that if something was to ever happen to Kevin or I, these emails are there, out in cyber space.  And someday down the line someone will read them and know all about the baby we never got to keep but loved just the same. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Holiday spirit

Holidays have always been something that I associated with the memory of my mother. Growing up my mother and I shared the love of  Christmas and the entire season. Singing carols in the car and talking about if I thought I had been good and deserved all of the presents on my list. Watching QVC boxes flow in as she would try to convince me that it was the elves sending presents to us but they ran out of boxes.

I remember our season would start on the day after Thanksgiving when my mother would dig out all of the decorations from the basement. Or on the years she was sick she would send her boyfriend or one of my sisters to do it. When everything was brought upstairs my mother and I would put together our fake tree. I remember sorting the colored stems, making sure all of the branches were put in the right spot. At the very end of our decorating my mother would pull out the ceramic Santa, the one she had made before I was even born and we would search for the perfect spot to put him. He usually ended up in the same spot every year. On the top of the entertainment center. So that he was in clear view.

On Christmas eve I was allowed to open one present. A present that she picked out. And without fail, every year, I opened Pajama's. I'm not sure what it is with moms but every mom I know does this. They get their kids new Christmas PJ's. Just so that Christmas morning their kids look cute and happy in their new Christmas pajama's.

I never understood this until this year.

I want that. I want to be THAT mom. The mom that makes you take a 100 pictures with every single present on Christmas morning. The one that makes cookies on Christmas eve and puts out carrots for the reindeer. The mom that never forgets batteries and works all season long to make sure her kids have a magical day.

I want that.

Maybe it's the absence of Lydia but this year feels different. I feel less inclined to do my usual holiday stuff. Black Friday shop, make lists of things I want to make, decorate the house. All of it. Normally by now I am almost done with shopping. I have started to buy new ornaments and have already given Kevin a list full of fun things I want him to buy. I have always loved Christmas. But this year strangely, I'm already over it.

On Christmas Eve last year Kevin and I announced my pregnancy to all of our friends and family. At midnight we sat under our tree, him with a beer and me with a wine glass full of ginger ale and we exchanged our presents. We talked about how much fun this year would be. This year would be our very best year because Lydia would a part of it. But sadly she's not. This year Christmas is just another reminder of that. It's a reminder that no matter how many happy lists I make and no matter how much I try to fool myself, this year will not be a happy, Merry Christmas, kind of year. It will be a hurry up and just be over already kind of day.

And because of that I'm sad.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Microblog monday-Remembering

I've been talking about getting another tattoo for months now.  I wanted something to have with me to remember Lydia.  So this weekend I finally did it! We randomly drove by the place that I have gotten all of my other tattoo's.  I made Kevin stop so that I could go in and get pricing.  Kevin, being against tattoo's, and afraid of needles wouldnt go in with me So I went in alone.  As it turns out they had an opening right then! So, I finally got my tattoo.  I love it so much and it feels good to know that I can  carry her memory with me forever.  Here is my newest tattoo. 

It may still look a little swollen in the pic but its a baby angel with  pink wings.  It sits on my right wrist.  I couldn't get the picture to flip but you get the point. 

Friday, November 14, 2014

Bucket List

Today I was thinking about things I want to do.  A bucket list so to say.  So here are 20 things I plan to do with my life and why.

  1. See Austrailia-I once saw a picture of the blue mountains and it looked beautiful.  I would love to go and wonder around and explore and ride the tran above the blue mountains. 
  2. Jump out of an air plane-I wouldnt bungy jump but I would love to sky dive.  I think there would be no other thrill like it. 
  3. Learn to surf-ever since I was a kid I watched the movie Point blank and I thought how awesome it looked to be above the waves.
  4. Go to a shooting range-I want to be a bad ass chick.  Simple
  5. Learn to play guitar-I've always been interested in music.  More specifically rock music.  What better way to do something you love than learn how to play music myself. 
  6. Buy a "summer" home-I want to create traditions for my family.  I want my kids to grow up with memories of what a home is like.  Not a house.  I want them to remember playing board games and going to the beach before returning to a house that we spend all of our summers in. 
  7. Write a book-I've always told Kevin that someday I'm going to write a trilogy and name it "shit my boyfriend does" followed by "shit my husband says" and "shit my kids do"
  8. Work in a soup kitchen on Christmas day- This I've tried to do many times.  It's actually not as easy as it seems
  9. Crash a wedding and be "uncle Ned's kid"-I think it would be funny
  10. Run a marathon-work out hard and then be so in shape that I can finish a marathon
  11. Rent sumo wrestling suits and SUMO WRESTLE-It's fun
  12. Learn how to take beautiful photos-I've always had an interest in art and photogrophy.  When I was in highschool I did a lot of photoshopping classes.  I'd like to get into it again.
  13. Learn how to ski and do it well- I once fell off a ski lift and have never tried to ski again.  So now, years later I feel defeated.
  14. Go to Graceland!!-I love Elvis, Marilyn, James Dean all of that stuff.  What better way to embrace that love than visit Graceland
  15. Adopt a puppy and train it-I've had a few dogs in my life but have never adopted them from a puppy and trained it and have had it it's entire life
  16. Meet Drew Barrymore-Sounds weird, I know.  But her life facinates me.  She has over come a lot and has managed to beat it all.  I think she represents a strong women. 
  17. Do something I love and make money doing it-Pretty easy to understand why
  18. Try to be vegetarian for a month-I want to have enough self control that I can change my diet so drastically and be completely ok with it. 
  19. Dance on a bar-I want to have enough self confidence that I could get up and dance and not care what anyone else thinks
  20. Have a family-One baby, two babies, Three babies?? I'll settle for one baby.
Well there's my bucket list.  Anyone else have one?

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

3, 3, 3, and 3

I found this today and it inspired me to write down 3 nice things people have said, 3 nice things I have done for others, 3 nice things I have done for myself, and 3 good memories....So here they are.

3 Nice things people have said to me:

  1. In the very last note Kevin wrote to me before losing Lydia he wrote: To my wife, the mother of my child, and my best friend, I love you more and more each year and there's no one else in the world I'd rather build a life with.
  2. Everytime my sister tells me she is proud of how I turned out and reminds me my mother would be proud too
  3. The text I got from my mother in law the night before my wedding.  Telling me she was so happy Kevin found me and she couldn't have picked better to join her family
3 Nice things I have done for others:

  1. I gave money to the guy at the train even though I knew the likelyhood of him using it for something other than food because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt
  2. I once made Kevin a book for 100 reasons why I love him
  3. When my best friend got a promotion I hid cards in his car to congratulate him on his promotion, then I texted clues where to find them.
3 Nice things I have done for myself:

  1. I had the gastric bypass even though I was so scared to do it and everyone told me not to.  It was the best thing I've ever done for myself
  2. Starting this blog has helped me not be bottled up about my feelings and the loss of Lydia.  I did this only for myself.  It is not private and I let anyone and everyone read it in hope that they understand me a little better and I am made to leave my comfort zone a little more.
  3. I challenge myself.  I dont take the easy way out and I have made that a part of how I live my life.  I try not to settle. 
3 Good Memories:

  1. Going to the beach when I was about 10 with my sister Kelly and walking around the entire beach and picking up star fish.  We must of collected them for hours
  2. The Jaws ride at Disney land with my mom.  Her glasses got fogged up and she used her fingers like wiping blades to wipe them.  It made me laugh.
  3. When Kevin proposed.  It was a surprise.  He knew that I didnt want him to propose in public.  He said he was going to work and stayed home while I was at work and carved 14 pumpkins with WILL YOU MARRY ME then lit them up in the back yard.  When he picked me up from work he told me to go get annies leash out of the yard.  When I opened the door there they all were.  Bright and beautiful.  He was behind me on one knee holding up the ring. 

With that said I will now remind myself that I AM WONDERFUL

Monday, November 10, 2014

only 19 more days

A few weeks ago I gave my notice and decided my last day is December 5th.  It was weird to give my notice. Although I think my boss appreciates my work, and I have done a good job, he didn’t even seem to flinch when I gave my notice.  It was like no big deal at all. Not that I would have wanted or expected him to beg me to stay but, show some kind of reaction.  Say something like “Oh, I’m sorry to see you go” After all, I have been employed with him for  7 years.  That is most of my adult career at one job, with him as my boss.   Giving my notice went a little like breaking up with a boy that you thought was way more into you than you him and saying “it’s not you it’s me” and having him say “your right it is you” This was not at all how expected things to go.

Now more than ever I don’t want to be there.  I can barely get myself there in the morning.  But I go and I remind myself that only 19 more days and I won’t have to.  In 19 more days I will be home.  A semi -house wife.  I will be working part time taking care of my friend’s daughter , which I’m sure will have it’s own up’s and downs but, I will be able to enjoy life again.  Do something I like. I will not be in the office environment anymore.  I can start fresh and rejuvenate.  I realize this is odd for a 31 year old woman with no kids.  And I am very thankful that Kevin and I can make this adjustment. I truly believe this will be best for both of us. Not in a selfish way either.  Right now we only have one car and Kevin has to drive me an hour, sometimes an hour and a half, only to then have to drive himself another 45 minutes.  Both Ways! That’s 3 hours traveling!!! In 19 days no more awful city traffic, to get to a job I no longer enjoy, to sit in worse traffic going home, then to eat dinner at 8pm and go to sleep, only to start it all over again. 

The word has gotten out around the office that I am leaving.  And I have had a bunch of questions on where I will be going.  I have been saying “oh I’ll be taking care of my friend’s daughter”It seems like people kind of look at me funny.  To be fair, a lot of people don’t know the story of Lydia.  And at 6 months pregnant I still wasn’t really showing so most people didn’t’ even know about her at all.  So they truly do not understand my reasoning for leaving.  But I just want to say to people that ask, “do I seem ok to you?” “do you think I seem like myself?” 

Even my boss asked today how the job hunt is going.  I replied with “what job hunt” nobody  besides me see’s or understands that I should have NEVER come back.  I was not ready, I am not ready, I need to take care of myself.  Life it too short to not take care of yourself both physically and mentally.  I can’t keep on pretending to care about pointless stuff and I don’t want to anymore.  You should work to live not live to work. 

Microblog Mondays

This weekend was a great weekend for me.  First, I was proud of myself.  I drove for the very first time to the airport.  This may seem like something dumb to be proud of but for me its a big friggin deal!!! I have only had my licence for about 2 years.  Yes (I was way older then I should have been getting my license) But, for a long time I was always nervous about it.  I hate to drive.  I avoid it.  I drive pretty much only if absolutely necessary.  I would rather walk 10 miles, in the rain, up hill, than drive! So driving to the airport was a huge accomplishment.  In fact, Kevin should take this as a compliment because he is the reason I drove there.  I wanted him home, and if driving to the airport was how I was going to accomplish that, than so be it, it had to happen.   He's home and not I can sleep at night. 

Second, I got to see 2 of my favorite people in the entire world.  My 2 longest friends.  We don't see each other nearly as often as we should but after seeing them for 5 seconds it's like we never missed a beat.  They get me.  Out of all of my friends they are in the same life situation as I am, but in completely different ways.  I won't air out their laundry here but it makes me feel better to know that between the 2 of them I have someone that understands pretty much all of my life situations.  It helps that I know that both are completely honest and do not handle me with care.  They handle me as they should.  A friend that sometimes needs to hear she is wrong, being a pain in the ass, or just needs help.  I like that about them. 

And last but not least I got a date night out with Kevin.  We went out for a few drinks and hung out talking about the week that we missed together.  So today, I feel just a little more normal than I did all last week. 

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

do something

This little starfish story made me think that I should help someone in need.  Give back, pay it forward. So, today I did some research on finding a family to adopt for the holidays.  Get some presents for them, make a basket of food for them to cook for Christmas dinner, do something, anything.... I have a feeling it will help me more than it will help them in the long run.  It's a good thing to feel like you helped someone and made a difference.  Especially a kid that may not have had anything for Christmas or a mom that is struggling to pay bills and put food on the table nevermind buying toys. 

I realized today that although I did not come from a rich family, a pretty poor family actually, but I do not know what it is like to go without on a holiday or any time really.  My mother always made sure Christmas was an amazing day for me.  I had every single toy that was on my list.  Then when my mother died, my sister did the same thing.  She would work doubles as a bartender to make sure I had the designer coats I wanted, or the best sneakers, or concert tickets for the bands that I HAD to see.  I never went without anything.  I should pay that forward.  I should do something for some kid that doesn't have a Kelly to work doubles for them.  I should do something for the kid or family that Christmas is just another reason to be sad and feel left out. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Weird week

It's been a weird week so far.  Kevin is away for work so I am home taking care of things myself.  Which is making me feel for the lack of a better word, weird. 

I haven't been away from Kevin for longer than a day since the loss of Lydia. Even when I was in the hospital for 3 weeks he slept right there with me.  It's strange because I am actually normally very independant and have never minded when he went away for work or with his friends but I find myself with really bad anxiety this week. I can't help the "what if" feeling.  Playing every bad scenario in my head.    Realistically I know nothing is going to happen and everything would be ok but I was and am just really anxious about it.  It probably has something to do with the last time Kevin went away for work was when the marathon bombs happened and now I just associate bad things to when he leaves.  I also cant stop thinking about what if something happens to him, to me, to annie (our dog) and we are just all so far away from eachother. How will we get to eachother?  It's only tuesday and already I absolutely hate this feeling.  I cant wait until he gets home. 

Yesterday to make matters worse I was on my way to my doctors appointment only to start up the car, back down the drive way, and hear put put......Car stalled.  Blocked my entire street.  We have a brand new car.  There is no reason for this to have happened. Apparently it's an electrical issue that needs to be looked at.  It's working right now but, I'm afraid to drive it far so I took the train in to work today. Let's see how the rest of my week goes...........

On a good note, I ordered a new phone case today which I'm pretty excited about.  Vistaprint had a groupon for $20 you get 70$ worth of stuff.  So I got our Christmas card and made this phone case.....