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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Monday, February 22, 2016

UPDATE *** Trigger warning***

Well here I am 4 months later and I'm a MOM of an alive baby.  It's surreal to me to look at Colin and think that he's mine.  I made him! I know that I carried him for 41 weeks but it's still crazy to me. I have never been so in love, overwhelmed, tired, happy, in my entire life.  This whole baby thing is a whirl win of emotions.  For so long I thought "If I just make it through the pregnancy it will be easier" Well, it's not.  He's here and I worry just as much, if not more.  I can't help but think that once again something bad is going to happen and it will all be taken away.  I was warned about PTSD by my doctor when I got pregnant but I didn't believe it would really happen.  Well, it's real and its here.   I'm working through it, I acknowledge it and I'm hoping the more confident I get at mothering, the easier it will be for me to know that he's ok and that I dont need to freak out over everything.  I'll keep you posted. 

So let me tell you about my little boy.  He was born on October 14th and was 8lb 5 oz and 22.5 inches long.  He was 1 week past due and boy was he stubborn.  He did NOT want to leave his cozy womb.  All those times Kevin and I told him "we love you and we want you to stay" well, he listened! I was in labor for 3 days! I pushed for 3 hours.  I got to the point during labor that I really thought I was going to deliver a toddler.  Then, after all that, there he was, blonde, blue eyes and beautiful.  Kevin and I cried as we held our alive baby.  In that moment as I looked at Colin, I couldn't help but think of Lydia.  And how she never got that. How the last time we were in the position those were not happy tears.  But, I like to think she made sure we got Colin.  Maybe she picked him for us.  I'm not religious, I've never believed, but I like to think that.  Thinking she picked him out for us makes the giant hole in my heart just a little bit smaller.  

At 4 months Colin is 18lbs!!! He's starting to eat baby food.  He loves carrots, his smile lights up the room and his cry has the power to make me want to run and hide.  He's stubborn and is doing things faster then expected.  He's my super baby.  The light of my life.  And although I'm here typing this at 2:30 am and he has woken up every 3 hours, I don't mind.  I'm grateful. 

                                       
                                            Colin loves Lydia Lamb


I'm sorry if this post has caused anyone sadness. I get it.  But maybe it's a little easier to think that one of "us" had a happy outcome.