About Me

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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

All of the good things

I use my blog as an outlet to vent and get out some of the grief I feel about the loss of Lydia.  I do this so that in my every day life I am not this walking miserable mess. I want to be viewed to family and friends as someone that is strong and able to get past the bad shit that happens.  I do not want to be viewed as a piece of glass about to break.  So, I blog.  Blogging helps me.  Blogging serves as an outlett to help me heal my heart. 

I imagine some people that read my blog may think that I believe everything in my life is just bad. I truly don't. I know that in some aspects I am very lucky. I have a great husband, friends and family, we have a nice house, a dog that I love, we have money in the bank, we go on nice vacations and we have an overall good life.  However, Lydia is missing from all of them and some days thats the only thing I think about. 

Here are some pictures of my favorite things and places

 Where Lydia Lives

 Nephew kisses

 Annie Doggie

 Bermuda Cruise

 Forever friends


 Wedding cake and a nice tan

 Rolling down the hill at castle island

 Sporting events


 Pretty flowers


 Our special day

 Getting engaged

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Fetal Demise

After several months of waiting finally  the malpractice lawyer got back to us today and suddenly I feel like I have been kicked in the gut AGAIN!

I wish I never answered my phone. 
After reading my records she is certain that the doctors are leaving out facts but she determined that the care that I received can't be proven to have been the reason for the "fetal demise". It would be too much of an "UP HILL BATTLE."

So many things piss me off about this conversation. The fact that the phrase "Fetal demise" was used when talking to me, was enough to make me want to scream. Then to be told that my daughter’s death was "to much of an uphill battle" was like saying "not worth trying" So to her Lydia's life is not worth the time.

Apparently in malpractice lawsuits you need to prove two things:

  • The care you received was negligent
  • That negligent care caused a harmful outcome that wouldnt have happened otherwise    

Well you would think that "Fetal Demise" was the cause of negligent care. Apparently because Lydia's death was due to being premature and not due to injuries sustained during my surgery it wasn't enough to prove negligent care.

She then went on to tell me that in overweight women it is very difficult to diagnose an appendix rupture during pregnancy. For the record, I am over weight but I am not like 400lbs. To me this is ridiculous and should never matter. What should matter is the fact that I should have been tested the first day I went to the hospital. I should have had a fetal heart monitor the entire time I was in the hospital. And I should have been on a different floor, One that could physically deliver a baby and Tufts shouldn't have had a toddler nurse taking care of a high risk patient.

Instead, I was stuck in the waiting room for hours, sent home with Ambien and told I had the flu! Then when I came back a second time, had emergency surgery, they still didn’t take things seriously and didn’t have anything on me to determine when I was going into labor. Topped with a nurse that looked like she was barely out of high school. Do people not see that Lydia's death was not only "fetal demise" but was the demise of me, Kevin and any hope of a normal happy life? Does that not matter?

When she talked about my weight being a factor, what I heard was "If you were skinnier this may have been able to be proven or even prevented" I know that's not what she said but it doesn't make that fact any easier to take in. I suddenly felt like she was telling me Lydia's death was my fault.

None of these things make sense to me and it is becoming more and more clear that we will just have to live with having no answers. I will have to find peace in Lydia's memory and know that we tried to find justice for her. We could get a second opinion but honestly I truly do not see it going any other way. Other lawyers may feel differently about our case but to keep dragging up all of these feelings over and over again is not going to help us. It's time for us to focus on healing. We only wanted an apology and for them to aknowledge that they did something wrong. 
 Lydia's gone, we can't bring her back, and dragging this up every few months doesn't help us cope. In fact, it just makes me worse.

7 months 1 Week and 6 days


Since we lost Lydia.

Every day I look at her picture, her earn, and her heart beat lamb. It's sad that the stuffed lamb has her heart beat but she doesn't. It's weird that a little stuffed animal can make you feel complete grief and complete happiness all at the same time.  I both love and hate that lamb. But I am weirdly thankful for that lamb. That lamb keeps Lydia's heart alive even though I couldn't.

I am a ball of weird mixed emotions about everything lately.  I go back and forth in how I feel even more than normal. One minute I'm ok and the next I am crying.  That's weird for me because I have never been an overly emotional person.  I think it's because I feel her absence in everything. I replay over and over how we got here. How we lost her but still come up empty. We have no answers and we don't deserve this. I am constantly reminded that we lost  her. 

7 Months 1 week 6 days since my heart shattered. March 15th is imbedded into my head so clearly that I think it makes me forget so many other things. I see her face, her tiny body, her in the toilet. I see it all. I think I actually see it more clearly now than I did that day. That day was clouded by pain meds but now it's so clear it's like it was just yesterday. I wish it wasn't. I wish the bad memories would fade and I could only be left with  only the good ones. It's funny how the mind doesn't work like that. The details still float around, the bad dreams still come and then I wake up and do it all over again. I've become kind of robot like. Just going through the motions. Waiting to snap out of this.

7 Months 1 week 6 days is officially longer without her than I carried her. When I was pregnant all I could think about was the moment when she would arrive and the pregnancy would be over. Now, I'd be pregnant for however long if she would be an alive baby. But I know that won't happen. So, I return to robot Jen. Stuck in limbo, waiting for our alive baby.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Crafts, Crafts and more Crafts.....

I've been crafting a lot.  Even more than I have been crafting I have been "Pinning" My pinterest has now become a "to do" list of glitter, modge-podge, and sewing.  I love this stuff.  It relaxes me. From a young age I remember my mother would hand me a coloring book and I would be content for hours.  I would lay on the living room floor with my crayons sprawled out everywhere, just doodling or coloring.  Every Christmas I would get an abundance of art supplies.  I used to think my mom was the coolest and just bought the best stuff.  Now, I realize it was probably more like "OHHHHH she's quiet when she colors"

This week I decided that I would make a pumpkin vase. 

Here it is:

Love and Marriage

Today rather than think about Lydia and be sad that we didn't get to keep her, I thought about kevin and...Our Marriage

Since the loss of Lydia Kevin and I have changed as people, as a couple.  I have said before that the loss of Lydia has brought us together and given us a new appreciation for eachother.  In the interest of keeping things that way I have done some reading on marriages.  On how to keep things alive and not so sad and ordinary all the time. With the overwhelming amount of divorces today I really want to know how the couples that have been together for 50+ years do it. 

One of the articles I read The day I realized I was no longer the women my husband married by: Traci Bild she talks about the person she was while dating her husband.  How she was fun, funny, charming and he loved that about her. She said that after being married she turned into someone that had a mile long to do list and couldn't get around to make time for him or THEM.  Reading this article made me realize 2 things. 

1. Kevin and I dont actually fall into this category
2. I want to prevent this from happening NOW not when it's already happening

In her article she talks about how to keep things going and keep you both happy.  Here are some of the things I found and how I intend to imput them into my own marriage.  Maybe some of you reading this would like to know some of this too. It seems common to lose touch with your partner after a loss like ours.  Something completely earth shattering, that you leave it a completely different person.  So maybe this will help us not focus just on our fertility and loss but help focus on our lives and marriages as a whole.
1. Offer compliments! Make an effort to compliment your partner every day. The goal is to focus on your own behaviors and see where they take you. Compliments such as "Thanks for trimming the trees today, they look great," or "You look gorgeous!" will change the tone of your relationship. So I plan to thank Kevin for all of the things he does for me.  For example: Every time we go grocery shopping he carries in all of the groceries.  He always says "I'll get them go inside" Or when its raining out, he ALWAYS gets the car so I don't have to walk in the rain.  I never have to ask.  He just does it.  I notice now that this is rare.  And so awesome to have! I plan on telling him more rather than expecting it. 

Spend time alone.Consider making date night a weekly norm.-Kevin and I actually do really great at this.  We do not have any kids so it may be easier for us than some but, we usually go out atleast once a week and do something we both like.  Usually trivia or something at a local bar.  (When I'm pregnant this will have to change)

Make it fun! Make a vow: No dinner and a movie dates! When dating, odds are you and your husband did things that were fun. Try new and interesting things like playing racquetball or going bowling, take a cooking class together or hitting a theme park and riding roller coasters! Does this take work? Yes, but it's worth the effort.- Kevin and I used to take a dance class that surprisingly we both really enjoyed (he did protest at first, but he liked that he was better than I am at it) So I'm going to sign us up for classes again.  It helped us work together as a team and it really helped us learn how to communicate.
Create new habits. While it's easy to try these ideas once or twice, the truth is you have to put in real effort and be consistent if you want to see results. Our society is all about immediate gratification, but in this case, you have to work for it. The question to ask is, "Is my relationship worth it?" Compliment your man daily, give him a solid 20 minutes of you time every day, plan weekly date nights and have some good old-fashioned fun. ABSOLUTELY  Kevin is worth this.  Not only is Kevin worth this, I am worth this, Our marriage is worth this. 
Don't get me wrong this post or my reading about this subject is nowhere close to an indication that anything is wrong with my marriage on my end or Kevin's but, the fact is I don't ever want their to be anything wrong with our marriage.  After the loss of Lydia I have realized that life is to short  not to make the best out of all the good things you have.   I have a kick ass husband and a great marriage, I want to keep it that way. 
Here's a pic of my hero, my rock, my geek, my hubby and my baby daddy..I'm a lucky girl...Ps. He doesn't read my blog but if he did he would totally make me take this down :)

Monday, October 20, 2014


This weekend we thought it would be fun to do something scary.  Something that would keep our minds off of things.  So, seeing as though Kevin loves Halloween and zombies we went to the Abington Zombie Appoclypse.  If you do not know what that is, it's a essentially an infested (with Zombies) warehouse that has a little obsticle course that you run through with an air gun.  So I realized a few things this weekend while at the zombie appoclypse. 

1.  If this was the walking dead, and I was a character, I would have died in season 1.  More specifically the first episode. 
2.  Kevin wouldn't save me.  He would leave me behind to be eaten.
3.  I probably would have shot one of our friends or family members...Completely on accident. 

Friday, October 17, 2014

Strength of a women

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape…
But a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything…
But a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her…
But a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future…
But a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes
and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman walks sure footedly…
But a woman of strength knows she will catch herself when she falls.

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face…
But a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey…
But a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey
that she will become strong.

I walk a thin line....

This week has been bad.  It's been filled with a lot of grey clouds and zero rainbows.  I find myself walking a thin line before a breakdown.  I cant really explain it.  But, I cant help but feel it in every single thing that I do.  This lingering about to burst kind of feeling.  Never numbing and never going away.  I see to many pictures and read to many sad stories.  I should really just get off of social media but then I think that that's me giving in and giving up on doing my regular things.  So many people post about how much their lives suck and how awful things are for them but I cant help but feel numb, like they have no clue how bad things can really be.  I have no doubt that there are people out there with way worse problems than I have, but I cant help but not really care about people with stupid little issues.

This week started off bad because I gave notice at my job.  I know I have talked about it here before but I feel like it was a really big step and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.  Part of me wants to jump up and down and rejoice, while the other part is slapping myself in the head saying "what now". Leaving a job that you have been in for 7 years is bitter sweet.  I don't hate my job.  I actually used to enjoy it.  But, I used to enjoy a lot of things that I no longer enjoy.  I'm leaving because I cant keep up with the charade of pretending to be the same person anymore.  I cant commit to giving my all to my position anymore.  It's not fair to my boss that has been really good to me, or to my team mates.  I cant give them 100% right now, truth is, I cant even give them 75%.  I guess I do not know what the future holds for me on the job front.  Only time will tell. 

There's a list of reasons why this week has been hard.  The second being that I got in a giant fight with one of my sisters.  Not even the sister I care about fighting with.  Actually, the one that drives me absolutely nuts.  But, she said something that hit me pretty hard.  She said "Yeah mom would be really proud of who you've become NOT" (in case you were wondering no my sister is not 10.  Just acts it) It was a low blow and only because shes more than a little crazy and the voices in her head probably told her to do it, but it made me think...Maybe shes right? maybe that is why things seem to be hitting me one thing after another.  Maybe I really am being punished for something I didn't even know that I did.  I really hope she's wrong.  I don't want to be cursed with bad luck forever. 

I think I'm a good person.  I think I am good to people and would be a great mother.  I have good intensions at least.  Anyways, I guess I have lots of things to think about.  I hope next week is filled with sunshine and roses because this week was filled with rain and trash.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Give a little thanks....

I got to thinking this past weekend, Kevin and I never really said thank you to those who came out to say good bye to Lydia.  I'm sure our friends and family understand. We just weren't in the place to really notice that we hadn't thanked them.  But, now that I am feeling better, dont cry as much, and honestly just need something to keep my mind away from all of the bad. I decided it is time to thank our friends and family for being there when we needed them the most.  So, I decided that I am going to make ornaments in Lydia's name.  Not only will this say thank you but, it will also help keep Lydia's memory alive.  Every year when our friends and family put up their tree's they will be able to see her ornament and think of Lydia. 

I made a list of all of the people that have supported us during this time, got my supplies, and started making a proto type of how I want the ornament to come out.  Here is the one that I made.  I may make tweeks along the way but for now this works. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Getting the news involved

Today I decided that I want my voice heard.  I want people to know we are out here.  So, I wrote to the news stations in my area.  I wrote to FOX, ABC, NBC and Good Morning America to try to get Pregnancy and Infant awareness month out there.  I thought I would share my email here.

My name is Jen  and I am writing in regards to a story that I think should be out there.  The month of October is not only breast cancer awareness but also in 1988 President Ronald Regan proclaimed October as Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month.  On October 15th grieving families across the world will be lighting candles for babies that are no longer with us.  We call them our angel babies. 
Did you know?
·         There are about 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies in the U.S. every year.

·         900,000 to 1 million of those end in pregnancy losses EVERY year.

·         More than 500,000 pregnancies each year end in miscarriage (occurring during the first 20 weeks).

·         Approximately 26,000 end in stillbirth(considered stillbirth after 20 weeks)

·         Approximately 19,000 end in infant death during the first month.

·         Approximately 39,000 end in infant death during the first year.

·         Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage; some estimates are as high as 1 in 3. If you include loss that occurs before a positive pregnancy test, some estimate that 40% of all conceptions result in loss.

·         Approximately 75% of all miscarriages occur in the first trimester.

·         An estimated 80% of all miscarriages are single miscarriages. The vast majority of women suffering one miscarriage can expect to have a normal pregnancy next time.

·         An estimated 19% of the adult population has experienced the death of a child (this includes miscarriages through adult-aged children).

My husband and I are  one of these statistics.  We lost our baby girl Lydia at 27 weeks gestation due to an appendicitis.  Most pregnant couples do not know how common it is for a pregnant women to experience an appendicitis during pregnancy.  When the fact is, an Appendectomy is the single most common surgery in pregnant women in the US today. 
Many people don’t know:
·         1 in 766 pregnant women experience an Acute Appendicitis. If during the first and second trimester 33% lost their babies, 14% went through premature labor and of these Leaving only 53% had no negative results at all. If an appendix ruptures 1 in 3 women die and 2 of 3 babies.
When this happened to me I had no idea what the warning signs were.  So when I was misdiagnosed I didn’t think anything of it.  Here are the signs
  • Sudden pain that begins on the right side of the lower abdomen
  • Sudden pain that begins around your navel and often shifts to your lower right abdomen
  • Pain that worsens if you cough, walk or make other jarring movements
  • Nausea and vomiting
  • Loss of appetite
  • Low-grade fever that may worsen as the illness progresses
  • Constipation or diarrhea
  • Abdominal bloating
I’m not really sure what needs to be done to get a story like this out there but I figured I would start here.  We in the US have all been trying to bring awareness to diseases like Breast Cancer, AIDS, ALS, it is time that these grieving families get the awareness they deserve too.  Bring awareness to October 15th for these precious babies lost too soon.  Let their families voices and stories be heard. 

I would love to talk to someone further about this all.  Please contact me via email at xxxx or I can be called on my cell phone at xxx-xxx-xxxx



Changes to come

I have been thinking a lot lately about what will make me happy in my life.  I have begun to read articles on self-improvement and have noticed consistency with posts on happiness.  As far as I can tell these seem to be the things that should help me feel better about myself and get out of the funk I have been in lately.  Of course the obvious solution to my happiness would be to actually get to bring home my next baby.  But, I find it important to improve my sense of self and my mind before I bring another baby into this world.  Here is the list of things that may make me/you feel better and the ways I plan on implementing them into my life and Kevin’s. 

·         Exercise more (At least 10 mins a day) Well, looks like Annie (Our black lab) will be getting longer walks.  While I was out of work I walked Annie all of the time.  We went on long walks and new adventures every day.  Since being at work I haven’t really taken the time to do this.  I need to start again!

·         Sleep more In one of my last posts I talked about how I hate to sleep! How I always need to be doing something.  Well, Maybe that’s where I have been going all wrong? Maybe that’s contributing to the jumbled thoughts in my head all day long.  So, I will put more effort into sleeping more in the days to come. 

·         Move closer to work Well, this is easier said than done.  But, I have been thinking about switching jobs.  It’s time. 

·         Spend time with friends and family Kevin and I have actually been doing pretty good at that lately.  When everything first happened we didn’t want to be around people.  Now, it helps.  We both love fall and Halloween activities so hopefully we can get our friends involved. 

·         Go outside This is true.  Kevin and I need to spend more time outside doing outdoor things.  Taking walks, runs, going on day trips and just breathing in the fresh air.  This weekend I think we will take a nice trip to the zoo.  I love the zoo. 

·         Help others I will do my part to help others by writing my blog.  It helps me and I hope if I get enough followers than more parents of angel babies will feel like they are not alone.  I have also always wanted to volunteer at a soup kitchen.  Today, I’ll find one. 

·         Practice smiling Ehhh….If you walk around smiling for no good reason all the time people will probably think you’re a wacko…Probably even more so if I just sit at my cube smiling at my computer.  This I’ll probably have to try at home.  Who knows maybe I’ll freak out Kevin and that could be fun for a little while J

·         Plan a trip We have always talked about going to Chicago or Washington DC.  This year, I’m going to make it happen. We’ll go. 

·         Meditate Meditating seems a little too hippie dippy for me but, its all about breathing right? So Every day I’ll take 10 mins and just sit and breath ALONE. 

·         Practice gratitude Instead of thinking about all of the bad in my life I am going to appreciate the good.  Give thanks to people that deserve it and get rid of people in my life that don’t.  I have already started to do this. 

Those are the changes I hope to make.  We’ll see about the progress I make and how it makes me feel after I have implemented these changes.  Maybe I’ll start to see a glimpse of myself again if I can start to see a little more happiness. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Rainbow baby

Today while doing my normal reading blogs by the community of grieving mothers I discovered a new phrase..."Rainbow baby"

I read about 5 blogs today that used this term.  At first I thought it meant the loss of a second child but then I read on...

The meaning of a rainbow baby is:

Rainbow baby is the term for a baby after the loss of a previous child. It is the understanding that a rainbow's beauty does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. 
This one phrase brought so much, for the lack of a better word SUNSHINE into my day.  So ladies, when everything seems dark try to remember that someday your rainbow baby will come.  It just might be a little more work for us than some. So, I will leave this post with "I cannot wait until Kevin and I have our rainbow baby"

Never say...........

After my loss I noticed that everyone has a “story” I’m not sure if I just didn’t pay attention or if these people just didn’t talk about it until they knew about my loss.  Some people have shared very touching stories of loss with me, while others, not so much. 
I find that everyone thinks they need to find the “perfect” thing to say to someone in my shoes.  What they often don’t realize is that there isn’t a “perfect” thing to say.  It is an imperfect situation and nothing anyone can say can make a grieving mother feel better.  That needs to come from within her and no-1 else.  After reading A LOT and talking to A LOT of people I have put together a list of things you should never say to a grieving mother.   
Things never to say to a grieving mother:
·         “I know exactly how you feel” No matter what kind of loss you have had you NEVER know exactly how someone feels.  Everyone deals with loss differently and no two situations are the same.  This does not help anyone.  Avoid saying this. 

·         “When my grandmother died” I’m sure you loved your grandmother and she was a very sweet person but the fact is SHE LIVED A LONG LIFE.  We expect grandmothers to die.  We expect to outlive our grandparents.  We NEVER expect to outlive our children. 

·         “You can always have another baby” Although I’m sure I will love any baby we have with all of my heart but that baby isn’t the one that I lost.  And after a loss you have so many doubts about your fertility and future that honestly all you are thinking about is “will I ever have another baby” “Are we destined to lose every pregnancy” So yes, I may be young but you don’t know that I can have another baby and that baby still isn’t this baby. 

·         “God must have a better plan for your baby” My baby is not with me.  I’m pretty sure that is not a better plan.

·         “It wasn’t meant to be” This to me is like saying that my child should never have been conceived. 

·         “Maybe you shouldn’t have eaten this or drank that” Most women do everything in their power to change their habits for the good of their baby.  You get a list from the doctor of what you should or shouldn’t eat and if you look the list up the likely hood of conciquence is very small for most of the items listed.  So the likelihood of something someone ate or drank being the cause of the miscarriage is small. 

·         “it’s better than having a child with problems” How do you know? that is an oppinion and it depends on the families that have to make this choice or dont get a choice at all to make. 

·         “We have extra kids you can have one” This is said to lighten up the mood but this does not help.  Do not remind a grieving parent that you have more than you want.  It reminds them that they have less than what they want. 
  • “At least you didn’t get to know her then lose her” 1. I carried her.  I knew her.  2. I never got to see her eyes open.  That is NEVER better. 

My happy post

Far too often lately I have been posting about all of my sadness and doubts.  Today, I thought I would do something a little different.  I thought I would tell you a little about who I am without all of this anger, doubt, grief, and stress. 

I am Jen.  I am what you would call a true Gemini.  I am quick to change my mind and fast in movement and cannot sit still or stand still long. I hate going to the beach and laying and doing nothing.  I would rather be doing just about anything than sleeping. At night my mind wonders and I have about 100 different thoughts floating around in my head, to the point that it takes me hours to fall asleep or unwind.  My husband often jokes that I do not know the meaning of the word relax.  He’s probably right.  I don’t.   I am a do it right now kind of girl. If I want to do something, I want to do it now, not later.   If you tell me we are going to do something, then you can’t change your mind.  I have already had it set in my head. This drives my husband CRAZY.

I also believe in doing things well and doing everything in my life to the best of my ability.  Not half-assing things EVER.  I often will refuse to do something that I know I will not be good at OR I will not stop until I am good at it.  I guess you could say I am pretty stubborn.  But, it gets stuff done.    

I am dreamer and have many ambitions and am eager to learn new things all the time. My boss likes this about me.  I am usually the first person to tell him I’m bored and need to learn other things.  I may be wrong about that part about him liking that about me….It may drive him nuts too. 

My personality varies depending on my mood and I’m sure my husband often feels like I am many different people.  I change personalities and emotions very quickly. Which, you can probably see in my blog with my constant topic changes.  My best quality is that when I love someone, I love them with everything in me.  No going back, no strings.  I am loyal, caring, and trust worthy. For this reason I have had most of the same friends my entire adult life.   

I would say that for the most part my luck is non-existant but I am lucky in love and friendship.   My husband is my absolute most favorite person in the world.  He puts up with everything I listed above with nothing but love and laughter.  We joke about everything and we often make bets with each other.  We bet things like “You get to pick the next 5 movies we watch” If you are married, you know this is a GREAT thing to win.  During a bad day he makes everything better.  He knows when to hug me and when to go upstairs and leave me alone.  He is my partner in crime and my absolute best friend.  We have a circle of about 10 great friends.  We see them often and enjoy spending time with them and their families. Together Kevin and I have been very lucky in friendship and couldn’t have gotten through all of the bad without them. 

I guess that is me in a nutshell.  I actually feel some what good today.  I see a glimpse of my old self today.  Not normal, but not so far away.  Maybe I will start writing some more positive

Monday, October 6, 2014

My anger defines me

What is anger?

·         The definition of anger is a normal emotion with a wide range of intensity, from mild irritation and frustration to rage. It is a reaction to a perceived threat to ourselves, our loved ones, our property, our self-image, or some part of our identity. Anger is a warning bell that tells us that something is wrong.

With that said, I AM ANGRY!

I am angry at the hospital, They did more wrong than they did right.  From misdiagnosing me the first day, to making me wait hours upon hours for tests, to not letting us spend our 20 minutes with Lydia and having me on a completely wrong floor that didn’t have the tools to deliver our baby. 



I am angry that this happened to us.  That Kevin has to wait to be the great daddy that I know he will be.  That bad things seem to happen to good people.  To us. 


I am angry that pregnancy seems to be easy for other people.  They get to go home with their babies.  Even people that shouldn’t have babies get them.  Yet, we don’t?


The complete definition of why people get angry defines me.  I feel intense anger, rage, and frustration that my loved one was hurt.  My self image was destroyed by being made aware that I am not as strong as I thought I was.  That my body betrays me.  My identity went from being a mother of a loving, breathing, alive baby girl to the identity of a grieving, crushed mother of an angel baby.  Of course there is something wrong with that. 

#Microblog Mondays- Presented Opportunities

For the past 6 months I have been trying to convince my husband that I should quit my job.  At first it was because of fear of returning after the loss of Lydia but now it is so much more.  Life is to short to be doing something you hate.  I do not want to dread waking up. 

This past weekend an opportunity to do something I may really enjoy presented itself.  I would make significantly less money but could be much happier with my life.  We make enough on my husbands salary but as he pointed out I am not very happy about being on a budget and definitely do not like being told what to do.  I guess I will sit and think about it a bit................#microblog Mondays. 

Friday, October 3, 2014

Surviving another day

A friend posted this on facebook today and I had to post it here.  This poem touched my heart in so many ways. 
My Mommy is a survivor or so I’ve heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn’t know I’m with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away…
I watch over my surviving mommy, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others… a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven’s door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mommy tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven’s open door…
I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn’t help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her… and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says… no matter what she feels.
My surviving mommy has a broken heart
That time wont ever heal
-Mommy to an angel baby

Thursday, October 2, 2014

That kind of day

Here is a picture of our baby girl. 

It's amazing that even so small I can still see parts of Kevin and I in her.  She has my nose and Kevin's mouth. I wish we could have seen her eyes open.  I bet they would have been a beautiful blue like her daddy.  I bet she would have been smart and sassy, Funny and outgoing, and probably a handful, just like I was.  I feel she would have been a lot like me personality wise. Even while she was in my womb I could tell she was PUSHY! She did things on her own terms.  I told Kevin that she was going to be just like me because my genes are bossy.

When we went to see her on the ultra sound the tech told us how stubborn she was. She crossed her legs and wouldn't let anyone see. Not until she was good and ready. That took almost an hour. The tech was about to give up, then Lydia decided it was time to make her appearance. There was our baby girl! Full of sass.  I bet she would have shown me patience. 

She would have given us a run for our money....But boy would it have all been worth it. 

Oh, how I miss her.....

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Most common isnt common enough to find info

Acute appendicitis is the most common surgical emergency in pregnancy.

1 in 766 pregnant women experience an Acute Appendicitis.  If during the first and second trimester 33% lost their babies, 14% went through premature labor and of these Leaving only 53% had no negative results at all.  If an appendix ruptures 1 in 3 women die and 2 of 3 babies.  To me thats not good enough odds. 

When this happened to me I didn't even know this was possible.  I didnt know the signs and didn't question anything when I was misdiagnosed.  So here are the signs:

  • Sudden pain that begins on the right side of the lower abdomen
  • Sudden pain that begins around your navel and often shifts to your lower right abdomen
  • Pain that worsens if you cough, walk or make other jarring movements
  • Nausea and vomiting
  • Loss of appetite
  • Low-grade fever that may worsen as the illness progresses
  • Constipation or diarrhea
  • Abdominal bloating
Often times this can all be misdiagnosed as the flu or food poisoning due to doctors wanting to hold off on testing on pregnant women. 

When it happened to me doctors waited almost 24 hours to diagnose me.  They did blood tests but not xrays due to the risks.  They sent me home with Ambien so that I could sleep it off.  When I came back the second time, in even more pain, they finally did tests and determined my appendix had already ruptured.  In fact, it had ruptured before I had gone to the hospital the first time. 

I am not writing this to scare anyone but, I am writing it because I wish I had known more when it happened to me.  Even after it happened I researched and it was still difficult to find a lot of material on it.  I still have never met another woman that has gone through this same type of loss.  I did see that it was the most common surgery in pregnant women and it seems odd that if that's true why arent more women educated about it? Why do doctors not mention it at all? why do they wait so long to do tests if they know the risks of prolonging diagnosis?  Is it because they dont want to scare us? I'm not really sure.  But, I do know that personally I would rather be educated and know the dangers than be kept in the dark.