Never say...........

After my loss I noticed that everyone has a “story” I’m not sure if I just didn’t pay attention or if these people just didn’t talk about it until they knew about my loss.  Some people have shared very touching stories of loss with me, while others, not so much. 

I find that everyone thinks they need to find the “perfect” thing to say to someone in my shoes.  What they often don’t realize is that there isn’t a “perfect” thing to say.  It is an imperfect situation and nothing anyone can say can make a grieving mother feel better.  That needs to come from within her and no-1 else.  After reading A LOT and talking to A LOT of people I have put together a list of things you should never say to a grieving mother.   

Things never to say to a grieving mother:

·         “I know exactly how you feel” No matter what kind of loss you have had you NEVER know exactly how someone feels.  Everyone deals with loss differently and no two situations are the same.  This does not help anyone.  Avoid saying this. 

·         “When my grandmother died” I’m sure you loved your grandmother and she was a very sweet person but the fact is SHE LIVED A LONG LIFE.  We expect grandmothers to die.  We expect to outlive our grandparents.  We NEVER expect to outlive our children. 

·         “You can always have another baby” Although I’m sure I will love any baby we have with all of my heart but that baby isn’t the one that I lost.  And after a loss you have so many doubts about your fertility and future that honestly all you are thinking about is “will I ever have another baby” “Are we destined to lose every pregnancy” So yes, I may be young but you don’t know that I can have another baby and that baby still isn’t this baby. 

·         “God must have a better plan for your baby” My baby is not with me.  I’m pretty sure that is not a better plan.

·         “It wasn’t meant to be” This to me is like saying that my child should never have been conceived. 

·         “Maybe you shouldn’t have eaten this or drank that” Most women do everything in their power to change their habits for the good of their baby.  You get a list from the doctor of what you should or shouldn’t eat and if you look the list up the likely hood of conciquence is very small for most of the items listed.  So the likelihood of something someone ate or drank being the cause of the miscarriage is small. 

·         “it’s better than having a child with problems” How do you know? that is an oppinion and it depends on the families that have to make this choice or dont get a choice at all to make. 

·         “We have extra kids you can have one” This is said to lighten up the mood but this does not help.  Do not remind a grieving parent that you have more than you want.  It reminds them that they have less than what they want. 

• “At least you didn’t get to know her then lose her” 1. I carried her.  I knew her.  2. I never got to see her eyes open.  That is NEVER better.