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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Friday, October 17, 2014

I walk a thin line....

This week has been bad.  It's been filled with a lot of grey clouds and zero rainbows.  I find myself walking a thin line before a breakdown.  I cant really explain it.  But, I cant help but feel it in every single thing that I do.  This lingering about to burst kind of feeling.  Never numbing and never going away.  I see to many pictures and read to many sad stories.  I should really just get off of social media but then I think that that's me giving in and giving up on doing my regular things.  So many people post about how much their lives suck and how awful things are for them but I cant help but feel numb, like they have no clue how bad things can really be.  I have no doubt that there are people out there with way worse problems than I have, but I cant help but not really care about people with stupid little issues.

This week started off bad because I gave notice at my job.  I know I have talked about it here before but I feel like it was a really big step and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.  Part of me wants to jump up and down and rejoice, while the other part is slapping myself in the head saying "what now". Leaving a job that you have been in for 7 years is bitter sweet.  I don't hate my job.  I actually used to enjoy it.  But, I used to enjoy a lot of things that I no longer enjoy.  I'm leaving because I cant keep up with the charade of pretending to be the same person anymore.  I cant commit to giving my all to my position anymore.  It's not fair to my boss that has been really good to me, or to my team mates.  I cant give them 100% right now, truth is, I cant even give them 75%.  I guess I do not know what the future holds for me on the job front.  Only time will tell. 

There's a list of reasons why this week has been hard.  The second being that I got in a giant fight with one of my sisters.  Not even the sister I care about fighting with.  Actually, the one that drives me absolutely nuts.  But, she said something that hit me pretty hard.  She said "Yeah mom would be really proud of who you've become NOT" (in case you were wondering no my sister is not 10.  Just acts it) It was a low blow and only because shes more than a little crazy and the voices in her head probably told her to do it, but it made me think...Maybe shes right? maybe that is why things seem to be hitting me one thing after another.  Maybe I really am being punished for something I didn't even know that I did.  I really hope she's wrong.  I don't want to be cursed with bad luck forever. 

I think I'm a good person.  I think I am good to people and would be a great mother.  I have good intensions at least.  Anyways, I guess I have lots of things to think about.  I hope next week is filled with sunshine and roses because this week was filled with rain and trash.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you've had such a bad week :( It's so hard when things pile up and you feel like you can't get out of a funk. And it's hard when people close to us like family are unsupportive and make things harder when they should be trying to make things easier. I know there isn't anything I can say to make it better or make sense of it all. But you certainly aren't a bad person and I don't think you will have bad luck forever.
    As for quitting your job, what my losses have taught me is that life is too short to be with people or doing things that you don't like or aren't passionate about. Maybe having a fresh start with a new job (or taking time off) will be a good thing to clear your mind.