About Me

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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Dog gone decisions

I'm not sure if I have talked about it here or not but Kevin and I have a dog.  We got her from a friend of Kevin's family about 5 years ago.  At the time we thought she was 4 but it turned out she was older.  The vet never knew exactly how old but we estimated she might have been more like 6.  Which means now she is 11.  Well on Wednesday we had to take our old girl to the vet.  Just her regular Old girl visit.  During the check up they told us that Annie is probably more like 13 now.  Not 11 and that Black Labs only live to about 13.  Just hearing this made me upset. 
We've had a lot of issues with Annie but I love her.  She is great with people, Great with Kids, but is AWFUL with other dogs.  She has really bad anxiety and hates to be left alone.  So when we first got her we got a dog walker to come in every day and walk her since.  Sometimes it helps her, other times she doesn't care and still creates a mess.  But, she's my mess and I love her anyways.  Well over the past few months we have noticed an decline in Annies health.  Her hearing is going, Her back legs dont work as well as they did even last month, and when she gets a little too comfortable she pee's a little.  This makes her very ashamed and she shows it.  So we took Annie to her appointment and let the vet know about all of what is going on.  500$ later the vet informed us that she didnt have anything MAJOR going on but her time is coming and if we want to start thinking about our options before she starts to be in pain, that we should. 
Well hormones kicked in and all of Wednesday I was a complete MESS!! I understand what the vet was trying to say but how can I even think about putting her to sleep if there is nothing MAJOR wrong with her.  That just seems mean to me.  Like I'm being selfish and giving up on my dog friend.  I mean, Annie sat by my side every day as I cried about Lydia.  She follows me now as my protector.  How can I think about putting her to sleep?? Then I think about Colin.  It takes a lot of work to care for an elderly dog.  Then an elderly dog with accidents? and not to mention the incontinents when she sleeps.  Do I really want to have that around when Colin starts to crawl? Will I be able to keep up with her health and take care of an infant? All of these things have weighed heavily on me this week.  It's a hard thing to feel like I'm trying to do right by her and still keep Colin's best interest in mind.  We obviously don't have to be in a rush to make a decision on this right now because she's not in any pain.  So Kevin and I agreed we wouldn't do anything until the new year unless Annie starts to go down hill.  But, it's still a really big decision.  It's so hard.  Now I truly understand why I never had pets growing up as a kid.  I cant imagine if Colin was here and older trying to make this decision to take away his pet.  I really don't think that I will ever want a dog again for a very long time. And here's a pic of our girl Annie....

Monday, August 24, 2015

Real life fears

Last night I spent most of the night reading about labor and the first few weeks after birth.  I have to admit that I'm starting to get nervous.  For so long my only thought was "I just need to keep him in and get him healthy" now it's starting to come to light that "whatever stays in must come out someday".  I read so much about it last night that I scared myself and had a hard time sleeping.  I think it was a touch of post traumatic stress over Lydia.  My doctor warned me this might happen.  When I gave birth to Lydia it was a different situation.  It happened so fast.  I didn't even realize it.  By then it was too late.  I worry what if that happens again and I'm home, ALONE?? I know that more than likely it will take many hours and that it is a completely different situation but, one bad event has the ability to change your perspective on everything. Not to mention I'm a little scared of hospitals now.  I don't trust them one bit.  So I feel a little damned if I do, Damned if I don't.  I just hope that Colin attempts to make his entrance when Kevin is home with me.  So that we can get to the hospital.  So that he can be safe. 

This post traumatic stress stuff is nothing to joke with.  It has made it's ugly face clear in more than one way.  Second being the closer I get to delivery the more afraid of going to the bathroom I get.  Lydia was born in a toilet and now that I am this pregnant I'm scared to pee. Kevin has often asked me why I wait to pee until I feel like I'm going to burst.  The truth is....Because I don't wanna! I'm scared. I know...TMI....But I feel this is something other women in my shoes should know.  These fears happen.  They happen at the craziest things.  They make the smallest things BIG things.  You can try everything in your power to avoid certain triggers, but other triggers, triggers like mine, are unavoidable. 

So needless to say last night was a hard night. Labor fears, bathroom fears, Lydia dreams, realizing my entire life is about to change (For the better, but still change) did not make for a good night sleep. 

Some days I wish I could just turn my brain off and just relax but Type A personalities that tend to want to control everything often have a hard time doing that. 

Friday, August 21, 2015

Now we wait.........

Not to much longer before Colin makes his arrival.  It feels surreal and all I can do now is hope I get to bring an alive baby home.  He seems to be thriving.  Always moving, and he already has such a big personality.  I already love him so much.  So until he makes his enterence I just wait and try not to worry.
  I thought I would post a few pictures of his room.  I love how it came out and I have to admit that I sit in there alone sometimes just thinking.  It's peaceful in there.  I rock in his rocker, I rearrange all of his things, and just think about him and when he gets here how different my life will be. In these last weeks although EVERYTHING hurts, I'm happy. 

Got this sign on etsy for his room

Mask curtain ties that I made

there isnt much for super hero nursery stuff so I made the blanket and lamp for him.  Then used a lot of older kid accents

All of his stuffed animals.  I also have incorporated Lydia's stuffed animals as well

 His baby shower was nautical theme and my sisters best friend made this for him so I hung it on the outside of his bedroom door

 Look of the room when you walk in. I love his glider and we are just waiting for his ottoman to come in

                                            
                                                                    His closet door

   He's already got lots of toys.  Under this is a toybox full


The lamp I made for him and all of his rubber duckies

His batman and robin bears that his uncles got him

 Pillows to match his bed but since he cant sleep with them yet I figured I would just put them here
 
 Me at Castle Island when I was 30 weeks

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Something to think about

So yesterday something funny yet thought provoking happened on my way home from work (still filling in at my old job)

I'll start with a little back story.

I should start with I live in Boston.  I am a HORRIBLE driver.  Because of this I rarely drive anywhere that is not inside my comfort zone (2 miles of my house).  I have gotten worse since being pregnant.  I am overly paranoid therefore, HATE to drive. 

So to set the scene: It's 6pm in Boston.  There's traffic everywhere and people everywhere.  I never drive myself into work, but yesterday I had to.  So I had to fight the traffic getting home.  Well I'm driving down the street and approach a yellow light, I think I can make it.  Well, I couldn't so I stop.  Well, I stop a little over in a crosswalk and before I can reverse a car behind me is so close that I can no longer back up.  So I sit there waiting for the light to turn.  The pedestrians start to cross the street and walk around to the front of my car.  This women pushing her baby carriage, in front of my car, gets all of the people walking across the street to BOOOOOO me.  There's like 10 people this women gets to BOO me- in my car.  At first I'm embarrassed and feel bad that I blocked the cross walk.  Then the anger starts to set in.  Come on...Hasn't everyone done this at some point?? So I drive away. 

As I'm driving I start to think to myself that this women, who was walking in front of my car had a BABY in a CARRIAGE.  It was a baby, baby....Not a toddler.  Teeny Tiny Baby.  Walking IN FRONT of my car!!! Did this women stop to think that I could be some Psycho? I'm not, but she doesn't know me.  How does she know I wouldn't get out of the car? Press the gas? Start a fight with her in middle of the street? She didn't.  Today, You never know! Would it really have been worth it if I turned out to be a crazy person? It just made me think.  Then I started to think will I do something like that out of frustration some day? With Colin there?  Potentially not thinking about the WHAT IF's? Putting my baby in danger? Do I only think this way because I know what it's like to lose a baby? Am I super sensitive because I'm hormonal and pregnant? I mean, I pride myself on being a strong women.  I am a wise ass by nature. It's one of the things I like about myself.  I can totally see me doing something like this before becoming a mom, if I was alone and walking away thinking I'm funny.   But, I think when you have your baby with you that you have a responsibility to tread carefully and pay attention to your surroundings.  Because you just never know who the random person behind the wheel may be. 

 I know this is a pretty random post but I thought about it all last night and even today.  Am I crazy? It just baffled me. 

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

"Is this your first"

I came across this article today and I relate to it so much lately.

http://themighty.com/2015/06/to-the-mom-i-didnt-mind-making-uncomfortable-at-the-playground/

As my belly grows I get the question "Is this your first" more than I had anticipated.  It's always uncomfortable when it happens.  I feel my face go flush and I never know exactly what to say.  I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I've even say "yes".  Not because Lydia doesn't matter as much as Colin but because I hate the look I get when I say "no". I always get more questions and when I elaborate it doesn't make me feel good and it doesn't feel good for the person that asks me.  You can tell that the person asking always regrets that they did.  Then for the rest of our encounter it's uncomfortable for us both. 

I've been trying to be more honest when asked recently because saying "Yes this is our first" makes me feel so guilty. Every time I deny her I feel guilty for the rest of the day. I feel like I'm taking something away from Lydia.  She fought hard for her 20 minutes.  I don't want to deny her those. It also contributes to the stigma that surrounds loss.  So, recently I've started to say "this is my first alive baby" It's not any more comfortable but it gets the point across without having to get into more detail.  I don't actually mind talking about Lydia. I like remembering her.  What I don't like is how other people react to me talking about her.  I hate the uncomfortable feeling that follows her being brought up.  Sometimes I just want to scream "If I minded talking about it, I wouldn't answer your question!" I'm not ashamed of her.  My body failed me and it's been a long road for me to realize it wasn't my fault.  So it doesn't bother me to talk about her and if it doesn't bother me, than it shouldn't bother anyone else. 

Giving birth to Lydia was my biggest accomplishment, Surviving her was my biggest heart ache, and keeping her memory alive will always be my biggest obstacle!



Monday, August 10, 2015

We love you and we want you to stay

Well here we are at Monday again.  As I sit at my computer I look back at this weekend and all of the things that happened and how I feel about them.  Saturday was our baby shower for our sweet boy.  We were surrounded by a ton of family and friends.  More than I had anticipated.  It fealt so good to have so many people excited about Colin's arrival.  Everyone talked about how they couldn't wait to meet him, to teach him things, to babysit! He is one lucky boy! It's funny how many people offered to babysit once he arrives.  What they probably don't realize is that he may not actually leave my sight for a while.  It's still hard to get my head around the fact that he is coming, so I'm sure once he gets here it will be even harder to let him go anywhere without me.  Does that make sense? I'm sure it will be hard enough letting Kevin have alone time with him let alone anyone else.  It's the consiquence of knowing how easily a good thing can be taken away.  I hope when he arrives that I walk the line of protective and letting him live.  I guess we will see in a few weeks!

I have read a few of your blogs this week from other pregnant momma's or momma's with a rainbow and it has helped.  It seems we all feel the same thing.  Happy to finally be getting what we wanted, having a baby, and scared that once again we will loose it.  It's a hard thing being pregnant and just so scared all of the time.  Your body is doing so many crazy things that you cant help that you feel like you need to turn down the noise in your head a little just to manage.  Atleast that's how I feel. 

These days Colin moves so much.  Non-stop actually.  I NEVER complain when he moves or wakes me up, not worth jinxing myself. I make Kevin put his hand on my belly every day and tell him that we love him and want him to stay with us. I'm sure Kevin thinks I'm crazy but he humors me.  He never lets me go to sleep without saying it to him now.  It's become a routine.  He'll even wake me up if I fall asleep and forget.  He knows how much I believe in jinxs. So he does it for me, just in case.  The guilt I feel about Lydia is alot. It still hurts that maybe the reason we lost her was because in the begining I didn't want her enough.  Deep down I know that's not why we lost her but the fact that I wasn't over the moon when we found out about her still haunts me.  I shouldn't have wasted a moment not completely excited about her! It hurts to know that those few weeks I didn't know if I wanted a baby right then, if I was ready.  It hurts that I blame myself because of that for losing her. I often think that I'm being punished for not being happy enough and realizing how lucky we were to be having her. 

Well, I'm not making that mistake again.  I remind Colin EVERY DAY that he is wanted, loved, appreciated.  I will take every punch, every pound of weight gain, every glass of wine missed, every hour of sleep deprived.  I will hold my alive baby. 

Colin, we love you and we want you stay!

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I have posted something.  I haven't been very active on the site for many reasons.  One is because I needed to step away and try to get my head together.  As I approached the 1 year mark of losing Lydia I realized that I just felt stuck.  Every day was different and some were good and others bad.  I needed to get to a point where I could accept that.  Now here I am 6 months from my last post and I have so much to tell. 

I'll start with the biggest! I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant! I have been avoiding posting about it because I felt like it was a jinx.  If I said it out loud something terrible was bound to happen.  But lately as I approach the last weeks I find myself getting increasingly more excited.  We found out that he is a HE which was a big thing on it's own.  Once I got over the initial shock that I wouldn't be raising a girl this time around and would be raising a boy everything sort of fell into place.  He has a name, a personality, a bedroom, and everyone is eagerly awaiting his arrival.  I can't help but feel afraid that something will happen but I am trying my hardest to just be happy and enjoy growing him in my belly.  The most difficult thing has been the guilt I feel about being excited.  It's hard to not feel guilty doing all of the things we missed with Lydia.  Then I feel guilty when I make Lydia to much apart of things like it is undermining him in some way.  The worst is the times I think about the fact that he probably wouldn't be here if Lydia was.  Will he grow up and feel that way? I hope not.  I hope that I walk the line of remembering Lydia and not making him live in her shadow.  I feel as though it helps because he is a HE and she was a SHE.  I feel like that helps give them their seperation.  I guess only time will tell. 

I hope that this post does not look like I am not excited about Colin (that's his name) I am very excited about him.  More than I can really express.  But, truth is I'm so very afraid.  Every little pain, every time he doesn't move quite as much, every time he moves to much, If I know I haven't drank enough, If I haven't eaten, During every ultrasound.  The list goes on.  It's so hard to trust your body when it has betrayed you.  It's hard not to await the rug to be pulled out from under you.  I am trying not to let the fear consume me.  So for the next 2 months I'll waitl, hope, and try to prepare for EVERYTHING.

Next I guess I'll go back to what I have been doing since my last post.  Truth is: PRETTY MUCH NOTHING! I was watching my friends daughter until June.  Then for the month of July I got the house in order.  Now here we are in august and my old company has asked me to come back as a contractor for a month to help out with some things.  I think I have realized that working is good for me.  I am not very good at staying home wallowing in my own thoughts.  We'll see if that changes after the little one is born. 

Well that's enough for today.  I'm sure I'll be updating more frequently as I'll be infront of a computer for 9 hours a day. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Day 3: Daily Rituals

This is a hard one.  I can't really think of any rituals really.  I guess more like schedule? So, I wake up, take my thyroid pill (perscribed to me by my new doctor) I wait for Kevin to talk the dog as I pack his lunch for work. Depending on weather or not he is going to drive into work or not, I drive him to the commuter rail.  On the way home I get a coffee and come home to watch Kelly and Michael or whatever show I had on DVR the night before.  Then I shower and get ready for the day.  I have to admit that since I have stopped my regular 9-5 job I dont have much of a schedule or a ritual so this post is probably pretty boring.

Day 2:20 facts about me

1. I never finished college and worked my way up into project  management for Facilities and Real Estate
2.  I've had the same friends since I was a kid which now makes them more like family
3. My sister raised me since I was 12 when mother died of cancer
4. I never wanted to get married until I met Kevin
5. I'm athiest and have been for as long as I remember
6. My current favorite TV show is the Big Bang Theroy
7. I love anything 90's.  TV shows, movies and especially music
8.  My all time favorite movie is Billy Maddison.  Fowllowed closely by untamed heart, Scream, and The Craft
9.  When I was a teenager I wanted to be a witch.  Until I realized I watched to much tv
10. When I was a kid I was a tom boy and had a purple hockey stick because my mother refused to buy me a boy one.
11. My best friend is male and has been since I was kid.  Until this day I am very picky about the women I hang out with because I get along better with men.
12.  I only knew I wanted kids after the first time I held my nephew CJ.  He is now 5.  I never felt that instinct before him. \
13. Im a shopoholic and should probably go to meetings
14. I run on the prize system.  When I believe I did something good, I buy myself a prize. SEE #13
15.Kevin and I bet eachother things like movie pics.  We bet on things like who will win the voice or chopped
16. Kevin and I say goldbugs instead of goodnight due to an autocorrect mistake when we first started dating
17. Im petrified of mice, fire, knives and also rabbits.  Everyone teases me around easter.
18. Whipped cream and marshmellow make me gag.  I cant even touch it.
19. I'm lactose intollerant
20.I had the gastric bypass surgery 10 years ago and lost 140 lbs.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Back to blogging

It's been a long time since I have felt like blogging.  I still keep up with everyone else blogs but I have little to write about myself.  The other day I came across my blogger friend Sweeping up the Broken Pieces blog and she is challenging herself with the 31 day blog challenge.  I have decided this would be a good opportunity to get back into writing.  So, for the next 31 days I'll be writing about the following topics.


Day 1: Introduction and recent photo

My name is Jen I'm 31 from Somerville MA but currently live in Dedham MA.  My husband Kevin and I have been married for a year and half but have been together for 5 years.  We live a quiet sort of life filled with dinners together, good friendships, lots of movies and he plays way to much playstation.  We have a 14 year old Black lab named Annie.  She doesn't know shes old and often keeps us on our toes.  On Halloween 2014 we found out that we were pregnant with our first child.  We weren't trying and it was a complete shock.  It took a few weeks to get used to the idea but we were very excited.  During the entire pregnancy I had it in my head that something was going to go wrong.  I told my husband that something was wrong every day but I was proven wrong every time we went to the doctors.  We were having a perfectly healthy baby girl.  On March 13, 2014 I had severe stomach problems and went to the hospital.  They sent me home and told me it was the flu.  Long story short, they were very wrong.  My appendix was rupturing and leaking poisonous fluid into my body.  I went into emergency surgery and everything was going well.  On March 15, 2014 I went to the bathroom and delivered our daughter at 1lb 7oz.  She had been born too early and sat in poison for to long.  She lived for 20mins.

I only did a very brief summary of what we went through but if you would like to read more feel free to read my first blog titled Our Story

Since the loss of Lydia Mae I've had my bad days and good days.  I quit my job that I was at for 8 years and now I feel that it was the best decision I made.  Losing a baby has been the most tramatic experience of my life. I am a different form of who I used to be but I continue to try to except the new me and I work every day to heal my heart and not live each day sad and depressed.  This blog has helped me during some of my darkest days.

Here I am with my husband Kevin at Foxwoods Casino a month ago



Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Change isnt easy

Quitting your job and changing your life isn't as easy as it sounds.  If you look back at a posts from a few months ago you will see I didn't always feel this way.  You will see that I once believed that my problems were once blamed on not having enough time and being forced to go back to work before I was ready.  Well, today is a new day.  I no longer see that as my problem.  And I know truly know the meaning of the grass is always greener on the other side.  For me, that is now true.

I'm not as good at this "house wife" thing as I thought Iwould be.  I thought that cooking and cleaning wouldnt be to bad.  Little did I know is that there is always SOMETHING in the house to do. It seems lately I have less motivation to do house hold chores.  Then, the less I do the more of a failure I feel like.  Lately I feel like I can't do anything right.  I can't find a new job because I get intimidated by going back on interviews,  I cant always clean the house because I feel like I should do more, Then theres the underlining problem of some day I just cant get out of bed.  I hate doing it all.  I just want to be alone.

When feelings like this hit I feel more like a failure.  Kevin does so much.  He works hard for us and suffers through all of the pain I'm sure he feels.  He doesn't have an option of saying "I'm not getting out of bed today"  And I know how unfair it is.

I hope this feeling passes.  I hope that I gain the ability to find my nitch, weather back at work or finding out how to make this "semi house wife" thing work.

Monday, January 12, 2015

First post of 2015

Hello blogger friends, its been a while.  Anyone that has been following has probably noticed that I am writing a lot less posts recently.  Just haven't been in the writing mood.  2015 hasn't really done anything for me as of yet.  I walked into the new year with hope that this year will be happier than last but, this past week I've been really down.  I think about Lydia alot.  Mainly at night when I should be sleeping.  The current recurring thought is about the date of her one year anniversary approaching.  I think about things that Kevin and I can do to honor and keep her memory alive.  We thought about having a cake for her and releasing balloons with messages attached.  Then I end up thinking that maybe thats not the smartest idea.  Do I really want people to be around on that day? What if it's one of those days that I can't get out of bed?  Then, theres the fact that Lydia day is also 4 days before kevins birthday.  I know if we invite people over for Lydia's day it will also end up being the day we have a cake for Kevin.  I don't want his birthday to be over shadowed with sadness.  I know this year will be hard but I hope for Kevins sake, the his birthday isnt always such a horrible time.  But, Im pretty sure it will be and for that I feel awful.  I hate that my body took so much from us.  It took Lydia, our innocense and Kevins birthday.

Another thing we have been talking about is doing a random act of kindness on the day of Lydia's anniversary.  Making cards with her picture on it, with her story, then taking a certain amount of money and paying for a random person's dinner, coffee, groceries, something! Then telling them to do something to pay it forward in Lydia's name.  Maybe adding facts about pregnancy and infant loss on the card to bring more awareness.  I dont know.  I have been looking up idea's for the past few days.

well it feels good to have blogged again.  I hope I didnt ramble to much.