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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Monday, January 12, 2015

First post of 2015

Hello blogger friends, its been a while.  Anyone that has been following has probably noticed that I am writing a lot less posts recently.  Just haven't been in the writing mood.  2015 hasn't really done anything for me as of yet.  I walked into the new year with hope that this year will be happier than last but, this past week I've been really down.  I think about Lydia alot.  Mainly at night when I should be sleeping.  The current recurring thought is about the date of her one year anniversary approaching.  I think about things that Kevin and I can do to honor and keep her memory alive.  We thought about having a cake for her and releasing balloons with messages attached.  Then I end up thinking that maybe thats not the smartest idea.  Do I really want people to be around on that day? What if it's one of those days that I can't get out of bed?  Then, theres the fact that Lydia day is also 4 days before kevins birthday.  I know if we invite people over for Lydia's day it will also end up being the day we have a cake for Kevin.  I don't want his birthday to be over shadowed with sadness.  I know this year will be hard but I hope for Kevins sake, the his birthday isnt always such a horrible time.  But, Im pretty sure it will be and for that I feel awful.  I hate that my body took so much from us.  It took Lydia, our innocense and Kevins birthday.

Another thing we have been talking about is doing a random act of kindness on the day of Lydia's anniversary.  Making cards with her picture on it, with her story, then taking a certain amount of money and paying for a random person's dinner, coffee, groceries, something! Then telling them to do something to pay it forward in Lydia's name.  Maybe adding facts about pregnancy and infant loss on the card to bring more awareness.  I dont know.  I have been looking up idea's for the past few days.

well it feels good to have blogged again.  I hope I didnt ramble to much.


  1. I struggled with this the first year, too. I like to have a tree planted in his memory at a National Park every year. There is a organization called The Trees Remember dot org that we use.
    For me, I like the idea of life growing in Nathan's name.

    You'll find a way to honor your Lydia that feels right to you.

    Good luck and my heart is with you.

  2. Hi Hun. Happy New Year to you and Kevin. So glad to see a post from you - I understand about not being in the blogging mood. I get like that too. Just do what feels right to you.
    Anyway, I like your ideas for remembering your Lydia. Especially the random acts of kindness. Such a beautiful thing to do in her name. It will be a tough day for you, just be kind to yourself - if something feels like too much, don't do it.
    Sending lots of light and hope that 2015 is better for us. Hugs.

  3. Thank you both for your words of encouragement. It's strange that its gotten more difficult the last 2 months. I'm hoping that after all of these "firsts" things will get a little easier. I appreciate all of you and your words to help me through.

  4. We are trying to figure out what to do for our babies due date - go somewhere or stay home, be around people be by ourselves... I think I have an understand of some of what you describe here. I do not understand how I used to be able to know what I would want to do ahead of time. How could I possibly predict my mental state enough to know that I wouldn't feel anxious around people or need to sob? Things were definitely different a few months ago... Thanks for posting and I hope your renewed blogging is a help to you.