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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Merry Christmas and Bahhh Humbug

well here we are, Christmas day.  I sit here on my new laptop that my husband got me (for the sole purpose of blogging) thinking about how different today was supposed to be.  Right about now in a parralell universe I was supposed to be dressing my baby girl in her very first Christmas party dress.  Grandparents, aunts, and uncles should be calling to check on her in anticipation of spending her first christmas with her.  She would be smiling by now.  Giggling even.  We would have spent last night with her at Gigi's house (my mother in law) singing christmas songs as Nani sang her German version of silent night  for the very first time.  We would have left Gigi's house in order to be home for bed time, in hope of keeping Lydia on her schedule.  She would be in her first pair of traditional christmas pajama's. Before bed we would have watched a holiday cartoon and read her the night before christmas.  Kevin and I would be exhausted and we would wind down from the day with a glass of wine and a beer before exchanging our presents to eachother.  We probably would have been too tired to make it to our usual time of exchanging presents at midnight.  We would have settled for 10 before calling it a night and heading to bed.  This morning we would have been woking up by our crying baby girl asking for breakfast.  After feeding her she would get the few presents we got her.  It wouldnt have been a lot this year because she would still be little.  At that point I would have looked at my husband and my baby girl and known that I'm truly lucky.

But, life doesnt always work out like that.  I got most of the things I mentioned above but had one major part missing.  Lydia.  There was no giggling baby at Gigi's, Theres no set schedule, no Christmas Pj's or Christmas party dress.  What is left is superficial.  It's a laptop and a food processor for me and a TV and snow boots for Kevin.  When I look around today I see an urn that sits beside an angel.

I woke up in this mood today.  Kevin is in a good mood today and in attempt to keeping it that way I write this as he's in the shower.  I've decided to make the best of today for my husband that tries so very hard.  All he wants is a good day with his family so I'll sit there with a fake smile and repeat in my head BAHHHH HUMBUG

1 comment:

  1. Merry Christmas to you hon. But I agree, I was in a very "Bah Humbug!" mood too! I know this holiday isn't at all like each of us dreamed it would have been. But I hope you were able to find some good moments. And I'm so glad to read you have a new laptop! I miss reading your posts :)