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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

It's been a while

It's been a few weeks since my last post.  I haven't posted for a few reasons.  The first being I find it harder to post since I am not right in front of a computer for 9 hours a day.  When I was working I would always check my regular blogs in the morning and then update my blog on my lunch break.  Now, I'm not sitting right in front of the computer all day.   The next reason is my lap top has been broken and it has been driving me nuts! Finally Kevin let me use his lap top today so that I could come on and update.  And last I haven't had much to say and I just haven't been in the blogging mood.  I still do read blogs on my phone and comment as I can.  I hope none of my blogger friends feel that I have neglected them.  I know how hard this time of year is for all of us.  

Since my last blog I have stopped my regular desk job and I started watching my friends 6 year old daughter after school.  I have to admit that when I first agreed to watch her I figured it would be easy.  Well, boy was I wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I love her and she is so sweet.  But, 6 year old girls are anything but easy! I have to be playing or talking to her the ENTIRE time.  I am not complaining, just stating a fact.  In one 4 hour day I fight her to stay awake on her ride home from school, when she inevitably falls asleep I fight her to wake up, then 20 mins later we make our way into the house and we do her numbers, her letters, play barbies, do arts and crafts, play dolls, then she begs me to tickle her for about a half an hour, followed by our daily argument on why I will not let her have cupcakes for dinner, And on the rare days that I get her to eat anything other than peanut butter toast, I feel accomplished.  I had been joking with Kevin for months that after I left my company that I would be "retired" well, I am anything but retired! I do more work watching her than I did at my last company.  I find it pretty funny really and I am enjoying it.  But from time to time it makes me sad that I will never get any of these things with Lydia.  

Besides the transition from Real Estate coordinator to nanny there's the typical holiday anxiety that I know all of us are feeling right now.  Tonight its particularly bad because we FINALLY decorated our tree.  It's funny the things I seemed to have forgotten about this time last year.  Like the fact that about half of our ornaments are baby ornaments.  We announced to family around this time and it seems like EVERYONE gave us a baby ornament.  Tonight while decorated I found 2 with ultra sound pics, 1 with a 2013 bundle of joy, and 1 with a big belly on it. 

I did not expect all of them.  It hit pretty hard to keep pulling out ornament after ornament. And of course I had to put them on the tree because if we don't I will feel guilty, like I'm trying to forget her.  So there they are.  Hanging in my face as a reminder that this time last year I was still innocent.  Lydia was still alive, and our family was not broken.  Now, I just cant wait for that tree to come down.  Maybe our dog Annie will pull the same stunt she did last year and knock the tree down early.  Then I'll have to pack up the ornaments and out goes the tree. 

I know, that awful to think. 


  1. Yay, good to read a post from you! I get what you mean about not having anything to say. Sometimes you just need a break from blogging, I've had weeks like that too!
    Anyway I'm glad you are enjoying watching your friend's daughter! I can imagine it really must be a lot of work but it sounds like a fun change.
    And yes, the holidays do stink. We didn't even put up a tree this year. The only decorations we put up are a wreath in our living room (hanging from the mirror above our TV) and our Christmas candy jar (because although I am boycotting Christmas I am not boycotting Christmas candy.) I'm sorry you had those sad triggers; I wish I was still naive and innocent too! Hugs.

  2. That's such a tough to have to sort through at Christmas. I think it's good to put her Christmas baubles up there, though. She'll always be your Liddy.
    We only have one for Nathan and that was bought after he passed away.
    I guess because he was conceived in November and that Christmas, we were in England so we didn't decorate. By the next Christmas, I wanted something representing him on our tree.

    I'm hoping you have your rainbow baby next Christmas and the trauma is eased a bit.