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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Real life fears

Last night I spent most of the night reading about labor and the first few weeks after birth.  I have to admit that I'm starting to get nervous.  For so long my only thought was "I just need to keep him in and get him healthy" now it's starting to come to light that "whatever stays in must come out someday".  I read so much about it last night that I scared myself and had a hard time sleeping.  I think it was a touch of post traumatic stress over Lydia.  My doctor warned me this might happen.  When I gave birth to Lydia it was a different situation.  It happened so fast.  I didn't even realize it.  By then it was too late.  I worry what if that happens again and I'm home, ALONE?? I know that more than likely it will take many hours and that it is a completely different situation but, one bad event has the ability to change your perspective on everything. Not to mention I'm a little scared of hospitals now.  I don't trust them one bit.  So I feel a little damned if I do, Damned if I don't.  I just hope that Colin attempts to make his entrance when Kevin is home with me.  So that we can get to the hospital.  So that he can be safe. 

This post traumatic stress stuff is nothing to joke with.  It has made it's ugly face clear in more than one way.  Second being the closer I get to delivery the more afraid of going to the bathroom I get.  Lydia was born in a toilet and now that I am this pregnant I'm scared to pee. Kevin has often asked me why I wait to pee until I feel like I'm going to burst.  The truth is....Because I don't wanna! I'm scared. I know...TMI....But I feel this is something other women in my shoes should know.  These fears happen.  They happen at the craziest things.  They make the smallest things BIG things.  You can try everything in your power to avoid certain triggers, but other triggers, triggers like mine, are unavoidable. 

So needless to say last night was a hard night. Labor fears, bathroom fears, Lydia dreams, realizing my entire life is about to change (For the better, but still change) did not make for a good night sleep. 

Some days I wish I could just turn my brain off and just relax but Type A personalities that tend to want to control everything often have a hard time doing that. 

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