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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Monday, August 10, 2015

We love you and we want you to stay

Well here we are at Monday again.  As I sit at my computer I look back at this weekend and all of the things that happened and how I feel about them.  Saturday was our baby shower for our sweet boy.  We were surrounded by a ton of family and friends.  More than I had anticipated.  It fealt so good to have so many people excited about Colin's arrival.  Everyone talked about how they couldn't wait to meet him, to teach him things, to babysit! He is one lucky boy! It's funny how many people offered to babysit once he arrives.  What they probably don't realize is that he may not actually leave my sight for a while.  It's still hard to get my head around the fact that he is coming, so I'm sure once he gets here it will be even harder to let him go anywhere without me.  Does that make sense? I'm sure it will be hard enough letting Kevin have alone time with him let alone anyone else.  It's the consiquence of knowing how easily a good thing can be taken away.  I hope when he arrives that I walk the line of protective and letting him live.  I guess we will see in a few weeks!

I have read a few of your blogs this week from other pregnant momma's or momma's with a rainbow and it has helped.  It seems we all feel the same thing.  Happy to finally be getting what we wanted, having a baby, and scared that once again we will loose it.  It's a hard thing being pregnant and just so scared all of the time.  Your body is doing so many crazy things that you cant help that you feel like you need to turn down the noise in your head a little just to manage.  Atleast that's how I feel. 

These days Colin moves so much.  Non-stop actually.  I NEVER complain when he moves or wakes me up, not worth jinxing myself. I make Kevin put his hand on my belly every day and tell him that we love him and want him to stay with us. I'm sure Kevin thinks I'm crazy but he humors me.  He never lets me go to sleep without saying it to him now.  It's become a routine.  He'll even wake me up if I fall asleep and forget.  He knows how much I believe in jinxs. So he does it for me, just in case.  The guilt I feel about Lydia is alot. It still hurts that maybe the reason we lost her was because in the begining I didn't want her enough.  Deep down I know that's not why we lost her but the fact that I wasn't over the moon when we found out about her still haunts me.  I shouldn't have wasted a moment not completely excited about her! It hurts to know that those few weeks I didn't know if I wanted a baby right then, if I was ready.  It hurts that I blame myself because of that for losing her. I often think that I'm being punished for not being happy enough and realizing how lucky we were to be having her. 

Well, I'm not making that mistake again.  I remind Colin EVERY DAY that he is wanted, loved, appreciated.  I will take every punch, every pound of weight gain, every glass of wine missed, every hour of sleep deprived.  I will hold my alive baby. 

Colin, we love you and we want you stay!

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