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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

"Is this your first"

I came across this article today and I relate to it so much lately.


As my belly grows I get the question "Is this your first" more than I had anticipated.  It's always uncomfortable when it happens.  I feel my face go flush and I never know exactly what to say.  I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I've even say "yes".  Not because Lydia doesn't matter as much as Colin but because I hate the look I get when I say "no". I always get more questions and when I elaborate it doesn't make me feel good and it doesn't feel good for the person that asks me.  You can tell that the person asking always regrets that they did.  Then for the rest of our encounter it's uncomfortable for us both. 

I've been trying to be more honest when asked recently because saying "Yes this is our first" makes me feel so guilty. Every time I deny her I feel guilty for the rest of the day. I feel like I'm taking something away from Lydia.  She fought hard for her 20 minutes.  I don't want to deny her those. It also contributes to the stigma that surrounds loss.  So, recently I've started to say "this is my first alive baby" It's not any more comfortable but it gets the point across without having to get into more detail.  I don't actually mind talking about Lydia. I like remembering her.  What I don't like is how other people react to me talking about her.  I hate the uncomfortable feeling that follows her being brought up.  Sometimes I just want to scream "If I minded talking about it, I wouldn't answer your question!" I'm not ashamed of her.  My body failed me and it's been a long road for me to realize it wasn't my fault.  So it doesn't bother me to talk about her and if it doesn't bother me, than it shouldn't bother anyone else. 

Giving birth to Lydia was my biggest accomplishment, Surviving her was my biggest heart ache, and keeping her memory alive will always be my biggest obstacle!


  1. I've been struggling with this a lot lately, too since having my daughter. When I get asked if this is my first I would pause and either say "no, second" which isn't true or "third". But, saying third always leads to the question about the two I have like are they boys or girls and what do THEY think of their sister. So, I thought about it and decided to answer with "no, I have a five year old son at home". It doesn't lead to the awkward explanation about Nathan but, I also feel like I'm not pretending Nathan never existed.

    It's always a hard road to travel when you've suffered a stillborn baby.

    My thoughts are with you as you navigate the tough questions.

  2. It is very tough to navigate and I struggle with similar feelings if I meet someone new, like at business meetings, and they ask if I have kids. Mostly I just say no. I think you just have to go with what feels right and comfortable to you in the moment. Lydia knows you haven't forgotten her; it's okay to protect your feelings. I think saying it is your first alive baby and leaving it at that is perfect.