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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I have posted something.  I haven't been very active on the site for many reasons.  One is because I needed to step away and try to get my head together.  As I approached the 1 year mark of losing Lydia I realized that I just felt stuck.  Every day was different and some were good and others bad.  I needed to get to a point where I could accept that.  Now here I am 6 months from my last post and I have so much to tell. 

I'll start with the biggest! I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant! I have been avoiding posting about it because I felt like it was a jinx.  If I said it out loud something terrible was bound to happen.  But lately as I approach the last weeks I find myself getting increasingly more excited.  We found out that he is a HE which was a big thing on it's own.  Once I got over the initial shock that I wouldn't be raising a girl this time around and would be raising a boy everything sort of fell into place.  He has a name, a personality, a bedroom, and everyone is eagerly awaiting his arrival.  I can't help but feel afraid that something will happen but I am trying my hardest to just be happy and enjoy growing him in my belly.  The most difficult thing has been the guilt I feel about being excited.  It's hard to not feel guilty doing all of the things we missed with Lydia.  Then I feel guilty when I make Lydia to much apart of things like it is undermining him in some way.  The worst is the times I think about the fact that he probably wouldn't be here if Lydia was.  Will he grow up and feel that way? I hope not.  I hope that I walk the line of remembering Lydia and not making him live in her shadow.  I feel as though it helps because he is a HE and she was a SHE.  I feel like that helps give them their seperation.  I guess only time will tell. 

I hope that this post does not look like I am not excited about Colin (that's his name) I am very excited about him.  More than I can really express.  But, truth is I'm so very afraid.  Every little pain, every time he doesn't move quite as much, every time he moves to much, If I know I haven't drank enough, If I haven't eaten, During every ultrasound.  The list goes on.  It's so hard to trust your body when it has betrayed you.  It's hard not to await the rug to be pulled out from under you.  I am trying not to let the fear consume me.  So for the next 2 months I'll waitl, hope, and try to prepare for EVERYTHING.

Next I guess I'll go back to what I have been doing since my last post.  Truth is: PRETTY MUCH NOTHING! I was watching my friends daughter until June.  Then for the month of July I got the house in order.  Now here we are in august and my old company has asked me to come back as a contractor for a month to help out with some things.  I think I have realized that working is good for me.  I am not very good at staying home wallowing in my own thoughts.  We'll see if that changes after the little one is born. 

Well that's enough for today.  I'm sure I'll be updating more frequently as I'll be infront of a computer for 9 hours a day. 

4 comments:

  1. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm thrilled that all is going well. Pregnancy after losing a child is so complicated, but you are in the home stretch. I wish you all the best for the weeks ahead and look forward to hearing of Colin's birth.

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  2. I am SO happy to read this update!

    I feel like I should warn you about something though...
    I'm ten days past delivery of my daughter and I have absolutely cried over losing my son. I have felt guilt and I didn't expect it at all.

    I'm telling you this so that, if it happens to you, you'll know it's normal and you're not alone.

    I'm crazy about my sweet daughter but, it didn't heal me the way I thought it would. Or, I guess I thought I would feel a sense of closure but, that didn't happen for me. If anything, right now, the pain is more raw than it's been in a very long time.

    Best wishes on your son and be gentle with yourself.

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  3. Thank you for the replies and support. It is so appreciated. Thank you for the heads up about the guilt that comes when you finally do have an alive baby. Its so easy to believe that when you finally get what you have waited for that things will be easy, when fact is it's going to be a struggle to miss those we lost every day. I know it doesnt take away from how much you love you new little one I'm sure it brings up so many old feelings. I know that when Colin gets here I will feel some of the same because I already feel it in some ways now. The dr's have also warned me about the posability of PTSD.

    Thank you so much for sharing and I was so happy to read about your sweet baby girl and cant wait to hear about the journey. Keep your head up!

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  4. I am so very happy for you and Kevin. I hope the remainder of your pregnancy goes smoothly and happily. I am sure Lydia is watching over you both and will watch over her brother too. xxx.

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