Since we lost Lydia.
Every day I look at her picture, her earn, and her heart beat lamb. It's sad that the stuffed lamb has her heart beat but she doesn't. It's weird that a little stuffed animal can make you feel complete grief and complete happiness all at the same time. I both love and hate that lamb. But I am weirdly thankful for that lamb. That lamb keeps Lydia's heart alive even though I couldn't.
I am a ball of weird mixed emotions about everything lately. I go back and forth in how I feel even more than normal. One minute I'm ok and the next I am crying. That's weird for me because I have never been an overly emotional person. I think it's because I feel her absence in everything. I replay over and over how we got here. How we lost her but still come up empty. We have no answers and we don't deserve this. I am constantly reminded that we lost her.
7 Months 1 week 6 days since my heart shattered. March 15th is imbedded into my head so clearly that I think it makes me forget so many other things. I see her face, her tiny body, her in the toilet. I see it all. I think I actually see it more clearly now than I did that day. That day was clouded by pain meds but now it's so clear it's like it was just yesterday. I wish it wasn't. I wish the bad memories would fade and I could only be left with only the good ones. It's funny how the mind doesn't work like that. The details still float around, the bad dreams still come and then I wake up and do it all over again. I've become kind of robot like. Just going through the motions. Waiting to snap out of this.
7 Months 1 week 6 days is officially longer without her than I carried her. When I was pregnant all I could think about was the moment when she would arrive and the pregnancy would be over. Now, I'd be pregnant for however long if she would be an alive baby. But I know that won't happen. So, I return to robot Jen. Stuck in limbo, waiting for our alive baby.