About Me

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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Weird week

It's been a weird week so far.  Kevin is away for work so I am home taking care of things myself.  Which is making me feel for the lack of a better word, weird. 

I haven't been away from Kevin for longer than a day since the loss of Lydia. Even when I was in the hospital for 3 weeks he slept right there with me.  It's strange because I am actually normally very independant and have never minded when he went away for work or with his friends but I find myself with really bad anxiety this week. I can't help the "what if" feeling.  Playing every bad scenario in my head.    Realistically I know nothing is going to happen and everything would be ok but I was and am just really anxious about it.  It probably has something to do with the last time Kevin went away for work was when the marathon bombs happened and now I just associate bad things to when he leaves.  I also cant stop thinking about what if something happens to him, to me, to annie (our dog) and we are just all so far away from eachother. How will we get to eachother?  It's only tuesday and already I absolutely hate this feeling.  I cant wait until he gets home. 

Yesterday to make matters worse I was on my way to my doctors appointment only to start up the car, back down the drive way, and hear put put......Car stalled.  Blocked my entire street.  We have a brand new car.  There is no reason for this to have happened. Apparently it's an electrical issue that needs to be looked at.  It's working right now but, I'm afraid to drive it far so I took the train in to work today. Let's see how the rest of my week goes...........

On a good note, I ordered a new phone case today which I'm pretty excited about.  Vistaprint had a groupon for $20 you get 70$ worth of stuff.  So I got our Christmas card and made this phone case.....


  1. Oh what a nice phone case! Such a unique way to honor Lydia; I had never thought of something like that. I am so sorry about the troubles you've had with your car and your fears with your husband traveling. Even when my husband is around, I still have those fears - what if he gets injured at work, or in an accident on his way to work, etc. I think it's because we've experienced such profound loss together and are already so fragile and fearful and we cling to those we love and who comfort us. That's what I think anyway. I hope the rest of the time until he gets home is uneventful for you and that everything goes well.

  2. Yeah I agree with what you are saying about clinging to your husband out of fear. I do the same. I find myself not being able to sleep if he's not home. Immediately after we lost Lydia I would think a lot about what if I lost Kevin too or what if he lost me. It was crazy how often I thought about it. It absolutely is because of what we have been through and the fear of going through it again or putting Kevin through it. I know that with the loss of a child that you just change in a way you cant even explain but these types of things are the ones that I really hope go back. I dont want to live in fear of "what if" forever.

    As for the phone case, I thought of you when I put the image on it. I know its a place that is so special to the two of us. :)