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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Wake me when September ends

Wake me when September ends....
Today is a hard day for my family.  19 Years ago today my mother died.  It’s hard to believe that I have lived longer without her than I did with her.  I was 12 on the September morning that my mother took her last breath.  I was so young and forced to grow up pretty quickly.  I don’t have a ton of memories of my mother that she wasn’t sick during.  I remember shopping A LOT, I remember she liked to go on rides to look at the houses we could never afford, I remember she liked detective shoes and QVC, I remember she was mouthy, Probably where I get it from.  But most of what I remember are things I try to forget.  Like not wanting to go home when my sister was out because I was afraid that I would be the one that found her.  I try to forget her crying when her hair fell out, her throwing up A LOT, how angry she was because she just wasn’t ready, and how her death has separated my family into two. 
Today is hard for a few reasons.  First, for as long as I can remember I believed that everyone has one event that shapes them into the person they are meant to be.  Good or bad.  Mine was bad and happened when I was 12 so I got it out of the way early.   I spent most of my life with this theory.  Thinking that my mother would forever watch over me and I would be spared by anything that was TOO bad.  Well, I was wrong.  Lydia’s death proved how wrong I was.  I laid in my hospital bed waiting to find out if Lydia was alive, I begged my mother to help her.  To save her and make sure that she pulled through.  I’m not sure where my mother was that day but it definitely was not watching over me and my sister Kelly.  She must have been with my other two sisters that day because she left us hanging.  For this reason today is especially hard.  Today is hard because although I will always miss my mother, I am MAD at her.  Where was she? My sisters Kim and Michelle couldn’t have possibly needed her more than I did that day.  My anger towards her is almost as strong as the guilt I feel.  For that reason, today is an especially hard day.  Wake me when September ends….

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