Wake me when September ends....
Today is a hard day for my family. 19 Years ago today my mother died. It’s hard to believe that I have lived longer
without her than I did with her. I was
12 on the September morning that my mother took her last breath. I was so young and forced to grow up pretty
quickly. I don’t have a ton of memories
of my mother that she wasn’t sick during.
I remember shopping A LOT, I remember she liked to go on rides to look
at the houses we could never afford, I remember she liked detective shoes and
QVC, I remember she was mouthy, Probably where I get it from. But most of what I remember are things I try
to forget. Like not wanting to go home
when my sister was out because I was afraid that I would be the one that found
her. I try to forget her crying when her
hair fell out, her throwing up A LOT, how angry she was because she just wasn’t
ready, and how her death has separated my family into two.
Today is hard for a few reasons. First, for as long as I can remember I
believed that everyone has one event that shapes them into the person they are meant
to be. Good or bad. Mine was bad and happened when I was 12 so I
got it out of the way early. I spent most of my life with this theory. Thinking that my mother would forever watch
over me and I would be spared by anything that was TOO bad. Well, I was wrong. Lydia’s death proved how wrong I was. I laid in my hospital bed waiting to find out
if Lydia was alive, I begged my mother to help her. To save her and make sure that she pulled
through. I’m not sure where my mother
was that day but it definitely was not watching over me and my sister
Kelly. She must have been with my other
two sisters that day because she left us hanging. For this reason today is especially hard. Today is hard because although I will always
miss my mother, I am MAD at her. Where
was she? My sisters Kim and Michelle couldn’t have possibly needed her more
than I did that day. My anger towards
her is almost as strong as the guilt I feel.
For that reason, today is an especially hard day. Wake me when September ends….
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