Back to normal??

For 6 months people kept telling me things would get better when I got back to normal.  When I started my normal routine again. What I wish I said is that "I will never get back to normal" Part of me is gone.  Part of me is broken and will be forever.   What is normal to a grieving parent? It's not normal to have to grieve your child.   I dont even know what my normal is anymore. I dont remember normal.

If you define "normal" by having a routine then yeah, I'm back to work.  Yeah, I take a shower everyday and now I eat more than rabit food.  Yeah, I've gone out with my friends and write posts on facebook, and sometimes I laugh and smile but I am nowhere close to NORMAL.  I will never be normal again.  I will never be the same person again.  I will always be a little more synical and waiting for my world to crumble again.  And like it or not, I will never have a blissful pregnancy.  I will never be carefree while pregant.  I lost my innocence.  I truly envy the women that get that.  Those women that dont get super nervous if they dont feel their babies every minute of every day.  I will never have that again.  That was taken away from me the minute my appendix ruptured.

Often times I feel as though maybe I'm being punished.  Maybe when I found out I was pregnant I wasnt happy enough.  That those first 3 days wondering if we were ready put some kind bad vibe into the world and because of that Lydia was taken from us. That guilt eats at me every day.  There is also another guilt.  The guilt that I feel that I should have questioned the doctors more.  I often lay awake with the shoulda, coulda, woulda's.  But, I cannot change the outcome.  Lydia is still gone.  And we will forever have to live without her.  All of that guilt is what I hope fades.  I can't imagine living through another pregnancy still feeling so much pain from Lydia and having all of the shoulda, coulda, woulda's.