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I am a lot of things, wife, sister, friend, and aunt but most of all I am a grieving mother of a lost baby girl taken too soon.  This blog is my way of venting and surviving.  I'm trying to find my way back to funny, sarcastic, and happy but it's quite a journey.

Friday, September 26, 2014

The very worst Lydia day

    In my previous post "Every day is different" I talked about  good days and bad days.  And that normally I know what kind of day it is from the moment I wake up.  Well, this past Tuesday was the very worst Lydia day I have had to date. 

    My day went to shit the moment I walked into my office. I was sitting at my desk and a very nice co-worker came over to my cube.  He smiled at me while looking at the pictures I have hanging on my cube walls. I knew where this was going but I couldn't react fast enough to change the outcome. He then turned to me and said,"so where are the pics"

    You see, At 6 months pregnant I wasnt really showing yet.  I just looked a little chubbier.  So I didnt tell everyone I worked with about the baby yet.  So when this particular co-worker came and asked for pics I wasn't sure how he knew about the baby so, I wanted to be sure what he was talking about before offering up more information. 

I replied"what pics" cautiously.  He smiled and said "you know the beautiful baby pics"

My heart sank. 

     All I could manage to get out of my mouth at that moment was, "it didn't work out" I still can't bring myself to say outloud that Lydia died.  I don't know who I felt worse for, this caring man who really thought he was doing the right thing by asking to see my babies pic or myself for only having pics of my  angel baby to show him. 

    After what felt like the longest minute of my life, he appologized hugged me and walked away with the very worst look. The look that I hate. The sympathy and sad eyes look that makes me want to vomit. 

 It didn't take long after he left for my world to crumble.  My eyes welled up and I had to run out of my work area.  I hid in the breast feeding room to calm myself down but I couldn't get it together.  I realized I needed to leave.  I needed to go home.  I pulled my boss out of a meeting and let him know what was going on.  He didnt want me to take the train so noticably upset so he drove me home.  I was fine the entire way home until I unlocked my door into my safe place. Home.   It felt like every feeling I had been avoiding the past few weeks had come rushing back.  I couldn't stop the tears and I couldn't leave my couch.  Here it was all over again like it was yesterday.

Lydia's dead. Our baby girl is gone.

Kevin came home early that day.  He has learned the que's of I need you home so quickly that I no longer even have to ask.  He's a good man, that other half of mine. 

You would think that was the end of the worst day ever but, sure enough, it wasn't. 

We have an angel on our front porch that I rubbed some of Lydia's ashes on.  I wanted to make sure that she could always be at home with us.  On this particular day not only did someone ask to see baby pics but this was also the day that Kevin knocked our angel down the front stairs.  She shattered in pieces and Kevin felt horrible. He picked her up and brought her upstairs to me.  All he could say was "I'm sorry, I broke her" I knew he didn't mean to but I couldnt help it.  I started crying again.  This wasn't an ordinary cry, this was a everything in me just burst out sort of cry.  This was the very worst day.  I just needed it to be over. 

I know there will be so many more bad Lydia days in our future but I hope somehow they get easier than this....

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