I used to be someone that laughed a lot, was sarcastic, and loved to go out and meet people. I am a story teller. I think mainly because I have grown up with all women I am a little dramatic by nature. Sometimes it drives Kevin crazy but over all I think he has always liked the excitement I bring to us because of my dramatic nature.
But, I am not that person anymore. I am someone completely different. WE are completely different.
WE are now:
Poor Jen and Poor Kevin that lost their baby
When something like this happens you lose who you were. People seem to continue to treat you like you will break and that you are made of glass. I constantly have to remind people that treating me like that makes it worse. It makes me feel worse. I hate the sad eyes and sympathy. I hate "Poor Jen" I will never regain any part of who I used to be if everyone continues to treat me like I am forever broken. Yes, I will never be the same person again, Yes I will always feel a hole in my heart, and I may never know "Normal" again but I dont want to be looked at differently for the rest of my life. I liked who I was. I liked happy Jen. I liked being pain in the ass, sarcastic, hang out with the guys, type of Jen....I long for the day that Jen returns. I hope she returns.
Tiny angel rest your wings sit with me for awhile. How I long to hold your hand and see your tender smile. Tiny angel, look at me I want this image clear… That I’ll forget your precious face that is my biggest fear. Tiny angel, can you tell me why you have gone away? You weren’t here for very long…why is it you couldn’t stay? Tiny angel shook his head “These things I do not know… But I do know that you love me and that I love you so.”
I lost my daughter at 22 weeks gestation 2 years ago. I remember thinking early in my grief that I didn't want the grief to define me, define us. It felt impossible to get away from that at first. A little further down the line and I feel like myself again in many ways, but changed, too. Honestly, at 2 years out I still feel like a work in progress. It does feel better, though, in many ways.
ReplyDeleteBe gentle with yourself. I think that self-care is one of the healthiest ways to heal. Take good care of yourself, of your partner. You both deserve it.