UPDATE *** Trigger warning***

Well here I am 4 months later and I'm a MOM of an alive baby.  It's surreal to me to look at Colin and think that he's mine.  I made him! I know that I carried him for 41 weeks but it's still crazy to me. I have never been so in love, overwhelmed, tired, happy, in my entire life.  This whole baby thing is a whirl win of emotions.  For so long I thought "If I just make it through the pregnancy it will be easier" Well, it's not.  He's here and I worry just as much, if not more.  I can't help but think that once again something bad is going to happen and it will all be taken away.  I was warned about PTSD by my doctor when I got pregnant but I didn't believe it would really happen.  Well, it's real and its here.   I'm working through it, I acknowledge it and I'm hoping the more confident I get at mothering, the easier it will be for me to know that he's ok and that I dont need to freak out over everything.  I'll keep you posted. 

So let me tell you about my little boy.  He was born on October 14th and was 8lb 5 oz and 22.5 inches long.  He was 1 week past due and boy was he stubborn.  He did NOT want to leave his cozy womb.  All those times Kevin and I told him "we love you and we want you to stay" well, he listened! I was in labor for 3 days! I pushed for 3 hours.  I got to the point during labor that I really thought I was going to deliver a toddler.  Then, after all that, there he was, blonde, blue eyes and beautiful.  Kevin and I cried as we held our alive baby.  In that moment as I looked at Colin, I couldn't help but think of Lydia.  And how she never got that. How the last time we were in the position those were not happy tears.  But, I like to think she made sure we got Colin.  Maybe she picked him for us.  I'm not religious, I've never believed, but I like to think that.  Thinking she picked him out for us makes the giant hole in my heart just a little bit smaller.  

At 4 months Colin is 18lbs!!! He's starting to eat baby food.  He loves carrots, his smile lights up the room and his cry has the power to make me want to run and hide.  He's stubborn and is doing things faster then expected.  He's my super baby.  The light of my life.  And although I'm here typing this at 2:30 am and he has woken up every 3 hours, I don't mind.  I'm grateful. 

                                       
                                            Colin loves Lydia Lamb

I'm sorry if this post has caused anyone sadness. I get it.  But maybe it's a little easier to think that one of "us" had a happy outcome. 

Dog gone decisions

I'm not sure if I have talked about it here or not but Kevin and I have a dog.  We got her from a friend of Kevin's family about 5 years ago.  At the time we thought she was 4 but it turned out she was older.  The vet never knew exactly how old but we estimated she might have been more like 6.  Which means now she is 11.  Well on Wednesday we had to take our old girl to the vet.  Just her regular Old girl visit.  During the check up they told us that Annie is probably more like 13 now.  Not 11 and that Black Labs only live to about 13.  Just hearing this made me upset. 
We've had a lot of issues with Annie but I love her.  She is great with people, Great with Kids, but is AWFUL with other dogs.  She has really bad anxiety and hates to be left alone.  So when we first got her we got a dog walker to come in every day and walk her since.  Sometimes it helps her, other times she doesn't care and still creates a mess.  But, she's my mess and I love her anyways.  Well over the past few months we have noticed an decline in Annies health.  Her hearing is going, Her back legs dont work as well as they did even last month, and when she gets a little too comfortable she pee's a little.  This makes her very ashamed and she shows it.  So we took Annie to her appointment and let the vet know about all of what is going on.  500$ later the vet informed us that she didnt have anything MAJOR going on but her time is coming and if we want to start thinking about our options before she starts to be in pain, that we should. 
Well hormones kicked in and all of Wednesday I was a complete MESS!! I understand what the vet was trying to say but how can I even think about putting her to sleep if there is nothing MAJOR wrong with her.  That just seems mean to me.  Like I'm being selfish and giving up on my dog friend.  I mean, Annie sat by my side every day as I cried about Lydia.  She follows me now as my protector.  How can I think about putting her to sleep?? Then I think about Colin.  It takes a lot of work to care for an elderly dog.  Then an elderly dog with accidents? and not to mention the incontinents when she sleeps.  Do I really want to have that around when Colin starts to crawl? Will I be able to keep up with her health and take care of an infant? All of these things have weighed heavily on me this week.  It's a hard thing to feel like I'm trying to do right by her and still keep Colin's best interest in mind.  We obviously don't have to be in a rush to make a decision on this right now because she's not in any pain.  So Kevin and I agreed we wouldn't do anything until the new year unless Annie starts to go down hill.  But, it's still a really big decision.  It's so hard.  Now I truly understand why I never had pets growing up as a kid.  I cant imagine if Colin was here and older trying to make this decision to take away his pet.  I really don't think that I will ever want a dog again for a very long time. And here's a pic of our girl Annie....

Real life fears

Last night I spent most of the night reading about labor and the first few weeks after birth.  I have to admit that I'm starting to get nervous.  For so long my only thought was "I just need to keep him in and get him healthy" now it's starting to come to light that "whatever stays in must come out someday".  I read so much about it last night that I scared myself and had a hard time sleeping.  I think it was a touch of post traumatic stress over Lydia.  My doctor warned me this might happen.  When I gave birth to Lydia it was a different situation.  It happened so fast.  I didn't even realize it.  By then it was too late.  I worry what if that happens again and I'm home, ALONE?? I know that more than likely it will take many hours and that it is a completely different situation but, one bad event has the ability to change your perspective on everything. Not to mention I'm a little scared of hospitals now.  I don't trust them one bit.  So I feel a little damned if I do, Damned if I don't.  I just hope that Colin attempts to make his entrance when Kevin is home with me.  So that we can get to the hospital.  So that he can be safe. 

This post traumatic stress stuff is nothing to joke with.  It has made it's ugly face clear in more than one way.  Second being the closer I get to delivery the more afraid of going to the bathroom I get.  Lydia was born in a toilet and now that I am this pregnant I'm scared to pee. Kevin has often asked me why I wait to pee until I feel like I'm going to burst.  The truth is....Because I don't wanna! I'm scared. I know...TMI....But I feel this is something other women in my shoes should know.  These fears happen.  They happen at the craziest things.  They make the smallest things BIG things.  You can try everything in your power to avoid certain triggers, but other triggers, triggers like mine, are unavoidable. 

So needless to say last night was a hard night. Labor fears, bathroom fears, Lydia dreams, realizing my entire life is about to change (For the better, but still change) did not make for a good night sleep. 

Some days I wish I could just turn my brain off and just relax but Type A personalities that tend to want to control everything often have a hard time doing that. 

Now we wait.........

Not to much longer before Colin makes his arrival.  It feels surreal and all I can do now is hope I get to bring an alive baby home.  He seems to be thriving.  Always moving, and he already has such a big personality.  I already love him so much.  So until he makes his enterence I just wait and try not to worry.
  I thought I would post a few pictures of his room.  I love how it came out and I have to admit that I sit in there alone sometimes just thinking.  It's peaceful in there.  I rock in his rocker, I rearrange all of his things, and just think about him and when he gets here how different my life will be. In these last weeks although EVERYTHING hurts, I'm happy. 

Got this sign on etsy for his room

Mask curtain ties that I made

there isnt much for super hero nursery stuff so I made the blanket and lamp for him.  Then used a lot of older kid accents

All of his stuffed animals.  I also have incorporated Lydia's stuffed animals as well

 His baby shower was nautical theme and my sisters best friend made this for him so I hung it on the outside of his bedroom door

 Look of the room when you walk in. I love his glider and we are just waiting for his ottoman to come in

                                            
                                                                    His closet door

   He's already got lots of toys.  Under this is a toybox full

The lamp I made for him and all of his rubber duckies

His batman and robin bears that his uncles got him

 Pillows to match his bed but since he cant sleep with them yet I figured I would just put them here

 

 Me at Castle Island when I was 30 weeks

Something to think about

So yesterday something funny yet thought provoking happened on my way home from work (still filling in at my old job)

I'll start with a little back story.

I should start with I live in Boston.  I am a HORRIBLE driver.  Because of this I rarely drive anywhere that is not inside my comfort zone (2 miles of my house).  I have gotten worse since being pregnant.  I am overly paranoid therefore, HATE to drive. 

So to set the scene: It's 6pm in Boston.  There's traffic everywhere and people everywhere.  I never drive myself into work, but yesterday I had to.  So I had to fight the traffic getting home.  Well I'm driving down the street and approach a yellow light, I think I can make it.  Well, I couldn't so I stop.  Well, I stop a little over in a crosswalk and before I can reverse a car behind me is so close that I can no longer back up.  So I sit there waiting for the light to turn.  The pedestrians start to cross the street and walk around to the front of my car.  This women pushing her baby carriage, in front of my car, gets all of the people walking across the street to BOOOOOO me.  There's like 10 people this women gets to BOO me- in my car.  At first I'm embarrassed and feel bad that I blocked the cross walk.  Then the anger starts to set in.  Come on...Hasn't everyone done this at some point?? So I drive away. 

As I'm driving I start to think to myself that this women, who was walking in front of my car had a BABY in a CARRIAGE.  It was a baby, baby....Not a toddler.  Teeny Tiny Baby.  Walking IN FRONT of my car!!! Did this women stop to think that I could be some Psycho? I'm not, but she doesn't know me.  How does she know I wouldn't get out of the car? Press the gas? Start a fight with her in middle of the street? She didn't.  Today, You never know! Would it really have been worth it if I turned out to be a crazy person? It just made me think.  Then I started to think will I do something like that out of frustration some day? With Colin there?  Potentially not thinking about the WHAT IF's? Putting my baby in danger? Do I only think this way because I know what it's like to lose a baby? Am I super sensitive because I'm hormonal and pregnant? I mean, I pride myself on being a strong women.  I am a wise ass by nature. It's one of the things I like about myself.  I can totally see me doing something like this before becoming a mom, if I was alone and walking away thinking I'm funny.   But, I think when you have your baby with you that you have a responsibility to tread carefully and pay attention to your surroundings.  Because you just never know who the random person behind the wheel may be. 

 I know this is a pretty random post but I thought about it all last night and even today.  Am I crazy? It just baffled me. 

"Is this your first"

I came across this article today and I relate to it so much lately.

http://themighty.com/2015/06/to-the-mom-i-didnt-mind-making-uncomfortable-at-the-playground/

As my belly grows I get the question "Is this your first" more than I had anticipated.  It's always uncomfortable when it happens.  I feel my face go flush and I never know exactly what to say.  I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I've even say "yes".  Not because Lydia doesn't matter as much as Colin but because I hate the look I get when I say "no". I always get more questions and when I elaborate it doesn't make me feel good and it doesn't feel good for the person that asks me.  You can tell that the person asking always regrets that they did.  Then for the rest of our encounter it's uncomfortable for us both. 

I've been trying to be more honest when asked recently because saying "Yes this is our first" makes me feel so guilty. Every time I deny her I feel guilty for the rest of the day. I feel like I'm taking something away from Lydia.  She fought hard for her 20 minutes.  I don't want to deny her those. It also contributes to the stigma that surrounds loss.  So, recently I've started to say "this is my first alive baby" It's not any more comfortable but it gets the point across without having to get into more detail.  I don't actually mind talking about Lydia. I like remembering her.  What I don't like is how other people react to me talking about her.  I hate the uncomfortable feeling that follows her being brought up.  Sometimes I just want to scream "If I minded talking about it, I wouldn't answer your question!" I'm not ashamed of her.  My body failed me and it's been a long road for me to realize it wasn't my fault.  So it doesn't bother me to talk about her and if it doesn't bother me, than it shouldn't bother anyone else. 

Giving birth to Lydia was my biggest accomplishment, Surviving her was my biggest heart ache, and keeping her memory alive will always be my biggest obstacle!

We love you and we want you to stay

Well here we are at Monday again.  As I sit at my computer I look back at this weekend and all of the things that happened and how I feel about them.  Saturday was our baby shower for our sweet boy.  We were surrounded by a ton of family and friends.  More than I had anticipated.  It fealt so good to have so many people excited about Colin's arrival.  Everyone talked about how they couldn't wait to meet him, to teach him things, to babysit! He is one lucky boy! It's funny how many people offered to babysit once he arrives.  What they probably don't realize is that he may not actually leave my sight for a while.  It's still hard to get my head around the fact that he is coming, so I'm sure once he gets here it will be even harder to let him go anywhere without me.  Does that make sense? I'm sure it will be hard enough letting Kevin have alone time with him let alone anyone else.  It's the consiquence of knowing how easily a good thing can be taken away.  I hope when he arrives that I walk the line of protective and letting him live.  I guess we will see in a few weeks!

I have read a few of your blogs this week from other pregnant momma's or momma's with a rainbow and it has helped.  It seems we all feel the same thing.  Happy to finally be getting what we wanted, having a baby, and scared that once again we will loose it.  It's a hard thing being pregnant and just so scared all of the time.  Your body is doing so many crazy things that you cant help that you feel like you need to turn down the noise in your head a little just to manage.  Atleast that's how I feel. 

These days Colin moves so much.  Non-stop actually.  I NEVER complain when he moves or wakes me up, not worth jinxing myself. I make Kevin put his hand on my belly every day and tell him that we love him and want him to stay with us. I'm sure Kevin thinks I'm crazy but he humors me.  He never lets me go to sleep without saying it to him now.  It's become a routine.  He'll even wake me up if I fall asleep and forget.  He knows how much I believe in jinxs. So he does it for me, just in case.  The guilt I feel about Lydia is alot. It still hurts that maybe the reason we lost her was because in the begining I didn't want her enough.  Deep down I know that's not why we lost her but the fact that I wasn't over the moon when we found out about her still haunts me.  I shouldn't have wasted a moment not completely excited about her! It hurts to know that those few weeks I didn't know if I wanted a baby right then, if I was ready.  It hurts that I blame myself because of that for losing her. I often think that I'm being punished for not being happy enough and realizing how lucky we were to be having her. 

Well, I'm not making that mistake again.  I remind Colin EVERY DAY that he is wanted, loved, appreciated.  I will take every punch, every pound of weight gain, every glass of wine missed, every hour of sleep deprived.  I will hold my alive baby. 

Colin, we love you and we want you stay!