Things for which I am grateful

Things for which I am grateful

With Thanksgiving just around the corner I thought I would write out a list of things I am grateful for.  This past year has been a real test so I thought it important to remember the reasons why I keep fighting.  The reasons I know that although I will never forget, that I will make it through this. 

So here goes:

·         A supportive husband that never lets me down

·         A kickass big sister that shows me how to fight

·         Friends that have been there for me through the good and the bad

·         Our black lab Annie, even though she drives me crazy, is truly man’s best friend

·         Over-all good health (This week anyways)

·         Arts and crafts to keep my mind at ease

·         Wine for the really bad days

·         A roof over my head to keep the black clouds away

·         Food in my belly-sometimes too much

·         A chance to emotionally recover-And work out the food in my belly

·         That we got Lydia’s heartbeat recorded-So I can listen to it all of my life

·         Health insurance-Without it I wouldn’t have most of the above!

·         Cute boots-Because my inner self is kind of a diva

·         Coffee-Without it I wouldn’t be able to function

·         Inlaws that I love-A lot of poeple do not get that lucky

·         CJ my nephew-Who has made me want to be a mom

·         Kevin’s ability to understand me-Because sometimes I feel like no-1 else does

Well with that all said, I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.  I hope all of my Angel mommy friends find some peace this holiday.  Kevin and I decided not to do family stuff for Thanksgiving and go to the casino and have a fun date night instead.  I couldn’t do the family stuff.  With Christmas not too far away I would rather be more emotionally stable for that, than try when I’m not ready.  It might sound selfish to some people, even our family, but we still have a lot of healing to do and we just couldn't emotionally deal with a holiday yet. 

Hopefully my millions await J

Micro blog Monday

Well here we are again, another monday.  Only one more monday after today at work until I am a semi-housewife.  As the day approaches I can't figure out if I am extremely happy or sad?  I think happy.  But, just like everything else with me lately, it depends on the day. I am really excited about focusing on me.  Doing things I enjoy and being around people that appreciate me.  Mostly, I'm looking forward to getting back to the gym and doing some classes.  Maybe I'll meet some new people and start to have friends in my area.  All of my friends live closer to the city and it is not always convenient to hang out with them during the week.  After all, traffic and commuting are two of the reasons why I am leaving my job in the city. 

This weekend was a great one.  Kevin and I went on a double date with two of our good friends.  They don't get a babysitter often so its not always easy to plan double dates with them.  So we were really happy we got to this weekend.  Yesterday we layed around a bit then I got to paint the table I have been meaning to paint for my upcoming craft room.  I can't wait until the room is finally done.  Pictures to come!!

How I cope

Recently I've been connecting with a few other mother's that have experienced loss.  I have been how I cope with the loss of Lydia.  I feel as thought it took me a long time to get in this place. So, I thought I would write about how I've been coping here. 

The most helpful thing that I have used to cope is writing. I write this blog, I write about her on facebook, Sometimes I write in Lydia's baby book, but the most helpful is her email.  I haven't written this on here before now but, When I was pregnant Kevin and I set up an email account for Lydia.  We wrote to it often and we gave the email to family and friends. We sent pictures, wrote about our daily lives, and we told her all about our pregnancy with her. We had hoped that someday, we would give her the password and she could read about how we loved her even before she was born.  I wrote about details so when she got older, and asked health related questions, I would have answers. Which is actually really important to me because I wish I had some answers to things during my pregnancy. 

Now, obviously we can't give Lydia the password but, that doesn't stop us from writing to her.  We still write to her as much as we can. It's a little harder because we miss her so much and we will know she will never get to read them.  But we do.  We tell her stories and tell her we miss her.  We remind her that she is never forgotten.  Someday hopefully we will have other children and we will do the same for them.  Then, when they are old enough, I will give them the password to Lydia's account as well.  I want them to know about their sister, how much we loved her, and essentially that she was a big part of how Kevin and I raised them (as I'm sure this will be the case).  I want them to know the love we had for the sister they never got to meet.

But, until then, I write to her because it helps me. It helps to know that if something was to ever happen to Kevin or I, these emails are there, out in cyber space.  And someday down the line someone will read them and know all about the baby we never got to keep but loved just the same. 

Holiday spirit

Holidays have always been something that I associated with the memory of my mother. Growing up my mother and I shared the love of  Christmas and the entire season. Singing carols in the car and talking about if I thought I had been good and deserved all of the presents on my list. Watching QVC boxes flow in as she would try to convince me that it was the elves sending presents to us but they ran out of boxes.

I remember our season would start on the day after Thanksgiving when my mother would dig out all of the decorations from the basement. Or on the years she was sick she would send her boyfriend or one of my sisters to do it. When everything was brought upstairs my mother and I would put together our fake tree. I remember sorting the colored stems, making sure all of the branches were put in the right spot. At the very end of our decorating my mother would pull out the ceramic Santa, the one she had made before I was even born and we would search for the perfect spot to put him. He usually ended up in the same spot every year. On the top of the entertainment center. So that he was in clear view.

On Christmas eve I was allowed to open one present. A present that she picked out. And without fail, every year, I opened Pajama's. I'm not sure what it is with moms but every mom I know does this. They get their kids new Christmas PJ's. Just so that Christmas morning their kids look cute and happy in their new Christmas pajama's.

I never understood this until this year.

I want that. I want to be THAT mom. The mom that makes you take a 100 pictures with every single present on Christmas morning. The one that makes cookies on Christmas eve and puts out carrots for the reindeer. The mom that never forgets batteries and works all season long to make sure her kids have a magical day.

I want that.

Maybe it's the absence of Lydia but this year feels different. I feel less inclined to do my usual holiday stuff. Black Friday shop, make lists of things I want to make, decorate the house. All of it. Normally by now I am almost done with shopping. I have started to buy new ornaments and have already given Kevin a list full of fun things I want him to buy. I have always loved Christmas. But this year strangely, I'm already over it.

On Christmas Eve last year Kevin and I announced my pregnancy to all of our friends and family. At midnight we sat under our tree, him with a beer and me with a wine glass full of ginger ale and we exchanged our presents. We talked about how much fun this year would be. This year would be our very best year because Lydia would a part of it. But sadly she's not. This year Christmas is just another reminder of that. It's a reminder that no matter how many happy lists I make and no matter how much I try to fool myself, this year will not be a happy, Merry Christmas, kind of year. It will be a hurry up and just be over already kind of day.

And because of that I'm sad.

Microblog monday-Remembering

I've been talking about getting another tattoo for months now.  I wanted something to have with me to remember Lydia.  So this weekend I finally did it! We randomly drove by the place that I have gotten all of my other tattoo's.  I made Kevin stop so that I could go in and get pricing.  Kevin, being against tattoo's, and afraid of needles wouldnt go in with me So I went in alone.  As it turns out they had an opening right then! So, I finally got my tattoo.  I love it so much and it feels good to know that I can  carry her memory with me forever.  Here is my newest tattoo. 


It may still look a little swollen in the pic but its a baby angel with  pink wings.  It sits on my right wrist.  I couldn't get the picture to flip but you get the point. 

Bucket List

Today I was thinking about things I want to do.  A bucket list so to say.  So here are 20 things I plan to do with my life and why.

1. See Austrailia-I once saw a picture of the blue mountains and it looked beautiful.  I would love to go and wonder around and explore and ride the tran above the blue mountains. 
2. Jump out of an air plane-I wouldnt bungy jump but I would love to sky dive.  I think there would be no other thrill like it. 
3. Learn to surf-ever since I was a kid I watched the movie Point blank and I thought how awesome it looked to be above the waves.
4. Go to a shooting range-I want to be a bad ass chick.  Simple
5. Learn to play guitar-I've always been interested in music.  More specifically rock music.  What better way to do something you love than learn how to play music myself. 
6. Buy a "summer" home-I want to create traditions for my family.  I want my kids to grow up with memories of what a home is like.  Not a house.  I want them to remember playing board games and going to the beach before returning to a house that we spend all of our summers in. 
7. Write a book-I've always told Kevin that someday I'm going to write a trilogy and name it "shit my boyfriend does" followed by "shit my husband says" and "shit my kids do"
8. Work in a soup kitchen on Christmas day- This I've tried to do many times.  It's actually not as easy as it seems
9. Crash a wedding and be "uncle Ned's kid"-I think it would be funny
10. Run a marathon-work out hard and then be so in shape that I can finish a marathon
11. Rent sumo wrestling suits and SUMO WRESTLE-It's fun
12. Learn how to take beautiful photos-I've always had an interest in art and photogrophy.  When I was in highschool I did a lot of photoshopping classes.  I'd like to get into it again.
13. Learn how to ski and do it well- I once fell off a ski lift and have never tried to ski again.  So now, years later I feel defeated.
14. Go to Graceland!!-I love Elvis, Marilyn, James Dean all of that stuff.  What better way to embrace that love than visit Graceland
15. Adopt a puppy and train it-I've had a few dogs in my life but have never adopted them from a puppy and trained it and have had it it's entire life
16. Meet Drew Barrymore-Sounds weird, I know.  But her life facinates me.  She has over come a lot and has managed to beat it all.  I think she represents a strong women. 
17. Do something I love and make money doing it-Pretty easy to understand why
18. Try to be vegetarian for a month-I want to have enough self control that I can change my diet so drastically and be completely ok with it. 
19. Dance on a bar-I want to have enough self confidence that I could get up and dance and not care what anyone else thinks
20. Have a family-One baby, two babies, Three babies?? I'll settle for one baby.

Well there's my bucket list.  Anyone else have one?

3, 3, 3, and 3

I found this today and it inspired me to write down 3 nice things people have said, 3 nice things I have done for others, 3 nice things I have done for myself, and 3 good memories....So here they are.

3 Nice things people have said to me:

1. In the very last note Kevin wrote to me before losing Lydia he wrote: To my wife, the mother of my child, and my best friend, I love you more and more each year and there's no one else in the world I'd rather build a life with.
2. Everytime my sister tells me she is proud of how I turned out and reminds me my mother would be proud too
3. The text I got from my mother in law the night before my wedding.  Telling me she was so happy Kevin found me and she couldn't have picked better to join her family

3 Nice things I have done for others:

1. I gave money to the guy at the train even though I knew the likelyhood of him using it for something other than food because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt
2. I once made Kevin a book for 100 reasons why I love him
3. When my best friend got a promotion I hid cards in his car to congratulate him on his promotion, then I texted clues where to find them.

3 Nice things I have done for myself:

1. I had the gastric bypass even though I was so scared to do it and everyone told me not to.  It was the best thing I've ever done for myself
2. Starting this blog has helped me not be bottled up about my feelings and the loss of Lydia.  I did this only for myself.  It is not private and I let anyone and everyone read it in hope that they understand me a little better and I am made to leave my comfort zone a little more.
3. I challenge myself.  I dont take the easy way out and I have made that a part of how I live my life.  I try not to settle. 

3 Good Memories:

1. Going to the beach when I was about 10 with my sister Kelly and walking around the entire beach and picking up star fish.  We must of collected them for hours
2. The Jaws ride at Disney land with my mom.  Her glasses got fogged up and she used her fingers like wiping blades to wipe them.  It made me laugh.
3. When Kevin proposed.  It was a surprise.  He knew that I didnt want him to propose in public.  He said he was going to work and stayed home while I was at work and carved 14 pumpkins with WILL YOU MARRY ME then lit them up in the back yard.  When he picked me up from work he told me to go get annies leash out of the yard.  When I opened the door there they all were.  Bright and beautiful.  He was behind me on one knee holding up the ring. 

With that said I will now remind myself that I AM WONDERFUL