Merry Christmas and Bahhh Humbug

well here we are, Christmas day.  I sit here on my new laptop that my husband got me (for the sole purpose of blogging) thinking about how different today was supposed to be.  Right about now in a parralell universe I was supposed to be dressing my baby girl in her very first Christmas party dress.  Grandparents, aunts, and uncles should be calling to check on her in anticipation of spending her first christmas with her.  She would be smiling by now.  Giggling even.  We would have spent last night with her at Gigi's house (my mother in law) singing christmas songs as Nani sang her German version of silent night  for the very first time.  We would have left Gigi's house in order to be home for bed time, in hope of keeping Lydia on her schedule.  She would be in her first pair of traditional christmas pajama's. Before bed we would have watched a holiday cartoon and read her the night before christmas.  Kevin and I would be exhausted and we would wind down from the day with a glass of wine and a beer before exchanging our presents to eachother.  We probably would have been too tired to make it to our usual time of exchanging presents at midnight.  We would have settled for 10 before calling it a night and heading to bed.  This morning we would have been woking up by our crying baby girl asking for breakfast.  After feeding her she would get the few presents we got her.  It wouldnt have been a lot this year because she would still be little.  At that point I would have looked at my husband and my baby girl and known that I'm truly lucky.

But, life doesnt always work out like that.  I got most of the things I mentioned above but had one major part missing.  Lydia.  There was no giggling baby at Gigi's, Theres no set schedule, no Christmas Pj's or Christmas party dress.  What is left is superficial.  It's a laptop and a food processor for me and a TV and snow boots for Kevin.  When I look around today I see an urn that sits beside an angel.

I woke up in this mood today.  Kevin is in a good mood today and in attempt to keeping it that way I write this as he's in the shower.  I've decided to make the best of today for my husband that tries so very hard.  All he wants is a good day with his family so I'll sit there with a fake smile and repeat in my head BAHHHH HUMBUG

It's been a while

It's been a few weeks since my last post.  I haven't posted for a few reasons.  The first being I find it harder to post since I am not right in front of a computer for 9 hours a day.  When I was working I would always check my regular blogs in the morning and then update my blog on my lunch break.  Now, I'm not sitting right in front of the computer all day.   The next reason is my lap top has been broken and it has been driving me nuts! Finally Kevin let me use his lap top today so that I could come on and update.  And last I haven't had much to say and I just haven't been in the blogging mood.  I still do read blogs on my phone and comment as I can.  I hope none of my blogger friends feel that I have neglected them.  I know how hard this time of year is for all of us.  

Since my last blog I have stopped my regular desk job and I started watching my friends 6 year old daughter after school.  I have to admit that when I first agreed to watch her I figured it would be easy.  Well, boy was I wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I love her and she is so sweet.  But, 6 year old girls are anything but easy! I have to be playing or talking to her the ENTIRE time.  I am not complaining, just stating a fact.  In one 4 hour day I fight her to stay awake on her ride home from school, when she inevitably falls asleep I fight her to wake up, then 20 mins later we make our way into the house and we do her numbers, her letters, play barbies, do arts and crafts, play dolls, then she begs me to tickle her for about a half an hour, followed by our daily argument on why I will not let her have cupcakes for dinner, And on the rare days that I get her to eat anything other than peanut butter toast, I feel accomplished.  I had been joking with Kevin for months that after I left my company that I would be "retired" well, I am anything but retired! I do more work watching her than I did at my last company.  I find it pretty funny really and I am enjoying it.  But from time to time it makes me sad that I will never get any of these things with Lydia.  

Besides the transition from Real Estate coordinator to nanny there's the typical holiday anxiety that I know all of us are feeling right now.  Tonight its particularly bad because we FINALLY decorated our tree.  It's funny the things I seemed to have forgotten about this time last year.  Like the fact that about half of our ornaments are baby ornaments.  We announced to family around this time and it seems like EVERYONE gave us a baby ornament.  Tonight while decorated I found 2 with ultra sound pics, 1 with a 2013 bundle of joy, and 1 with a big belly on it. 

I did not expect all of them.  It hit pretty hard to keep pulling out ornament after ornament. And of course I had to put them on the tree because if we don't I will feel guilty, like I'm trying to forget her.  So there they are.  Hanging in my face as a reminder that this time last year I was still innocent.  Lydia was still alive, and our family was not broken.  Now, I just cant wait for that tree to come down.  Maybe our dog Annie will pull the same stunt she did last year and knock the tree down early.  Then I'll have to pack up the ornaments and out goes the tree. 

I know, that awful to think. 

Falling sky for me, Sky is the limit for them

Monday when my sky was falling I made myself stop to do some sole searching.  I wanted to think of all of the things I want to be as a mother and what I want to teach them. 

Here’s my list:

·         Loving-Every single day, even when they break a window, get into my make-up or paint the dog blue.  I want to show them none of those things matter.  That we will love them NO MATTER WHAT!

·         Funny-I want to make my kids laugh.  The big ol’ belly, can’t get enough laughs!

·         Honest- Show them that honesty and integrity matter, no matter how old you are.  (well except when it comes to things like Santa, I’ll still lie about that)

·         Smart-I can show them street smarts, Kevin; well he can show them all of the other kinds of smart. 

·         To be huggable-I want my kid(s) to be affectionate.  To love with all of their heart and be ok being loved like that back. I want to hug them and kiss them every day.  Even when they tell me they are too old.  TOO BAD!

·         To live life without regrets-I want my kids to not have regrets.  Make every decision good or bad because in that moment that’s what was best for you or that’s what you felt you HAD to do. 

·         To listen to others-I want them to know that it’s not just their world.  Other people and their opinions matter, just as their opinion matters

·         A healthy relationship-I want to show my kids what a healthy, loving, marriage looks like

·         Back bone-I want my kid to know that I cannot fix everything.  Although I will want to, I just can’t.  So they will need to get up and dust themselves off and try again. 

·         Not to give up easily-Fight the good fight. 

·         To be grateful-Things can always get worse.  Some people have it a lot worse than we do. 

·         Manners-Well, this is obvious.

·         To be a good friend-They say you are who your friends are.  I have been lucky in this department so I want my kid to surround themselves with good people.  People they love and trust.  Keep those people close and grow up with them.  I want to love these friends as if they were my own kids. 

·         To be respectful-You need to be respectful and earn respect.  I want my kids to know that you respect others and they respect you.  The golden rule so to say. 

·         To show cooperation not compliance- It’s important to work WITH others not to let others walk over you

·         Good health and hygiene-I want my kid to eat well, play outside, and get fresh air.  Then come in and know ok time for a tubby. 

·         Dream big- The sky is the limit

Well that’s most of it.  I’m sure there’s so much more than this but I haven’t thought of it yet.  It’s funny how big I can dream for my possible kid(s) but generally lately I’m very skeptical of what is in store for me. 

Self pitty Monday-Carried over to tuesday

Yesterday was a hard day and for no particular reason.  It was one of those days that I felt like I am cursed, that my body hates me, and Kevin and I will never have an alive baby.  The work day wasn’t bad.  It was my usual everyday stupid shit but after work I just fell apart.  I started to cry and get upset for no reason.  Then, to top it off, because I was in such a horrible, upset mood, Kevin and I got in a fight.  Again, about nothing.  One thing he said really stung.  He asked “when did you become a quitter” and the only thing I could say was “the moment my heart broke” And that’s the absolute truth.  The day Lydia died I stopped believing that in the end, everything will be ok and it work itself out.  Because In my life, that is not how things work.  In my life I get a dead mother, a dead baby, a broken heart , and a husband that has absolutely no idea what to do with me.  I keep telling myself that I will get better, that I will eventually be normal again, but the reality is I will never be better.  I will always have these days. I will always feel incomplete.  So many people tell me that this will all pass.  You know what? Not one single person that has been through the death of a child has ever told me that.  You know why? Because they know this will not pass.  I will never regain who I was.  This grief will never be over.  I will forever mourn the part of me that is missing. 

At the end of my sad day I think to myself, is it really fair to bring another baby into this? Into my cursed life. Why? So that either the baby can end up sick or I can end up dying or so that he/she can spend a life trying to console it’s mother’s broken heart.  I know ,que the smallest violin playing the saddest song just for me.  Enough with my self-pitty.  Only 4 more days of work.  I’ll chose to focus on being happy about that!