Change isnt easy

Quitting your job and changing your life isn't as easy as it sounds.  If you look back at a posts from a few months ago you will see I didn't always feel this way.  You will see that I once believed that my problems were once blamed on not having enough time and being forced to go back to work before I was ready.  Well, today is a new day.  I no longer see that as my problem.  And I know truly know the meaning of the grass is always greener on the other side.  For me, that is now true.

I'm not as good at this "house wife" thing as I thought Iwould be.  I thought that cooking and cleaning wouldnt be to bad.  Little did I know is that there is always SOMETHING in the house to do. It seems lately I have less motivation to do house hold chores.  Then, the less I do the more of a failure I feel like.  Lately I feel like I can't do anything right.  I can't find a new job because I get intimidated by going back on interviews,  I cant always clean the house because I feel like I should do more, Then theres the underlining problem of some day I just cant get out of bed.  I hate doing it all.  I just want to be alone.

When feelings like this hit I feel more like a failure.  Kevin does so much.  He works hard for us and suffers through all of the pain I'm sure he feels.  He doesn't have an option of saying "I'm not getting out of bed today"  And I know how unfair it is.

I hope this feeling passes.  I hope that I gain the ability to find my nitch, weather back at work or finding out how to make this "semi house wife" thing work.

First post of 2015

Hello blogger friends, its been a while.  Anyone that has been following has probably noticed that I am writing a lot less posts recently.  Just haven't been in the writing mood.  2015 hasn't really done anything for me as of yet.  I walked into the new year with hope that this year will be happier than last but, this past week I've been really down.  I think about Lydia alot.  Mainly at night when I should be sleeping.  The current recurring thought is about the date of her one year anniversary approaching.  I think about things that Kevin and I can do to honor and keep her memory alive.  We thought about having a cake for her and releasing balloons with messages attached.  Then I end up thinking that maybe thats not the smartest idea.  Do I really want people to be around on that day? What if it's one of those days that I can't get out of bed?  Then, theres the fact that Lydia day is also 4 days before kevins birthday.  I know if we invite people over for Lydia's day it will also end up being the day we have a cake for Kevin.  I don't want his birthday to be over shadowed with sadness.  I know this year will be hard but I hope for Kevins sake, the his birthday isnt always such a horrible time.  But, Im pretty sure it will be and for that I feel awful.  I hate that my body took so much from us.  It took Lydia, our innocense and Kevins birthday.

Another thing we have been talking about is doing a random act of kindness on the day of Lydia's anniversary.  Making cards with her picture on it, with her story, then taking a certain amount of money and paying for a random person's dinner, coffee, groceries, something! Then telling them to do something to pay it forward in Lydia's name.  Maybe adding facts about pregnancy and infant loss on the card to bring more awareness.  I dont know.  I have been looking up idea's for the past few days.

well it feels good to have blogged again.  I hope I didnt ramble to much.